Shortly after all the healing was complete from my previous surgery, I was referred to a different OB/GYN that specialized in fertility and high risks. I wanted to know exactly what my future held or as much information that I could. I was getting married in 3 months and I wanted to know if my (soon to be) husband and I could have kids, and I also wanted to know what obstacles we might face when we were ready to start a family.
In February of '13 I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) exam performed that month, and I will say that I didn't like it much. I knew once this test was performed she could tell me right away what the outcome was. After and hour of poking and prodding (when it should have only taken a fraction of that time) it was finally over. My heart was pumping so quickly and so loudly, I could feel it in my throat. I was so nervous, but, I had walked into this room fully believing and trusting that my God was a healer and everything was perfect. I fully believed this. With her hand resting on my shoulder her words felt like daggers to my heart. Both of my fallopian tubes 100% blocked. I remember watching her lips form words, saying that she was sorry. That she didn't understand, and that she wished she had better news for me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I couldn't see. There were too many tears. My emotions that moment were not bashful.
That night I had to tell my man... Mustering up enough courage to tell the man I am about to marry that our future of kids was compromised greatly, was heavy. That night I know deep down we both mourned for what might not come to be. We prayed. At this point in time we were in our premarital counseling. We were lucky enough to be mentored by two of my favorite people. People whom I will always consider to be my second set of parents. Instead of talking marriage we decided (after debating whether we would go at all) to tell them what obstacle we were now facing . Their only (amazing) response was to lead us in communion together. It was beautiful and heart breaking all at the same time.
So do not fear for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
For several weeks I went into a cocoon. Processing. Just me and Jesus. I remember having conversations with my fiance and conversations with some of my close friends. However, I couldn't tell you what they were about or even how they resolved. I knew there was some disagreements thrown in there, and I knew there were moments of utter weakness and feelings of failure. There was this season of anger, and resentment, and hurt now in front of me. I had no idea where to begin, and how I would maneuver may way through this emotional mess. It felt like I sat down in the middle of my life and things just kept moving on without me. Bills came and went, work came and went. I even had a bridal shower thrown in there, and two baby showers that I attended. Life just coasted on by, ignoring the simple fact that I needed a moment to stop.
" I don't think I will ever forget a late night text from Joe..... It was a prayer that he said he had for me. This prayer was simple, and several lines of it read... ' I see you, I see you, I see you...' This rattled me to my core. Here I was thinking I was held captive by this dark. That no one could see the pain or hurting. But our father, He ALWAYS sees me. He always knew and saw how broken I was. ... And that's exactly where he wanted me."
I believe God created me as a processor. To let life pass for a little bit only to draw me closer to Him. He sat me down and helped me offer the emptiness I had and ask to be filled up by him. I wouldn't dare guess he created everyone this way. I do know for certain that He created me that way. Without those moments of utter darkness, I wouldn't have ever gone searching for the Light. I needed this process, I needed what felt like chaos in my heart. This process certainly refined me. I will not claim to have learned this lesson wholly, however, I can say with confidence it has stretched my faith, and my dependency on my Savior.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Shortly after this season my husband blessed me with tickets to my all time favorite singer/artist. Kari Jobe. The main artist playing was Chris Tomlin. I loved every second of our trip to Seattle. We got to spend some time with our favorites and enjoy a spirit filled night at the Key Arena. Kari Jobe was fantastic, and of course, I was a giddy child watching every second of her. There was one specific moment of that night where my whole direction and thought process started to change. Chris Tomlin sang a song at the piano called 'Sovereign". (To read the lyrics, click here)
These words broke through some of my insecurities regarding my recent diagnosis of infertility. It changed some of my hopes and dreams of babies and a family. It shifted my focus back to Jesus and His hopes and dreams for me. It challenged me to trust my God at all times. If He has not yet let me down, why on earth would He start now? Especially in my time of greatest need! This song rocked me to my core. Knowing full well His plans were not to crush me. His plans are not to keep me infertile and defeated. His plans for me include a full, God centered, blessed life. A life not claimed by bondage, but set free by the Blood of Jesus. I am claimed by Him. And nothing less.
I knew from that moment on, babies or no babies, husband or no husband, sickness, pain, disease, or lack there of, He was sufficient. He was always enough, and will always be enough. Period.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lords great love we are NOT consumed,
for his compassion's are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself,
"The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
In all this I have been promised 3 words:
I am still on my journey and learning what He means, and I do believe he has granted me some wisdom and knowledge regarding these beautiful words. I also know that because of these promises I have a reason to hope, and to know that He has continuously been faithful. So why should I start doubting his Faithfulness, or His sovereignty now? My process of redemption and His restoration in me is painful, but without it, I wouldn't be so desperate for Him. My prayer for YOU, regardless what your obstacle is, that your redemption and restoration process leads you to become so desperate for Him. Desperate to feel His constant sufficiency. My prayer is that through your own wrestling with Him, you feel His outrageous, reckless love. Because, no matter what it is you're facing or how many times you express your fears and anger and anguish, oh how He loves you. Oh, how He cares for you. You are His, and He longs to give you All of Him.
This is part II, (and I repeat this because I know that some days, whether or not I feel this is true, I choose to proclaim this truth over and over until I know for certain and without second guessing) and I know this full well His plans for me (you) are good. His plans for me (you) are refinement, and allowing me (you) wisdom and knowledge about His promises. My journey through these trials and so much more to come are for His glory, for encouragement, and support. I love people. I know my purpose is to love people. This is how I have been lead to love.