Who I am: I am the Righteousness of God by the Blood of Jesus. Need I say more?

My photo

I am just a girl who is madly in love with Jesus. My hubby and I tied the knot in June of 2013. I love to sing, write, and worship. I am a lover of people, and my goal in life is to ensure those around me always know and see the Love of Jesus. I'm also one of the unlucky who have experienced loss, heartache, and the realities of the complications that come along with putting a bun in that oven. It's a wild ride, it's a fun ride, and I'd do it all over again if it meant I got to walk with Jesus even closer.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Announcement, I'm moving!

Ok, well I'm not moving again... But the exciting news is this Blog is moving to Wordpress.com

I am super excited about the change. And I want you ALL to come and join my adventures over at:

http://lifelovejesusmb.wordpress.com

You'll find all the same stuff, all the same information. It's all the same me! Blogger has been so good to me, but I feel as though it's time to move on to a whole new world!


Monday, September 1, 2014

A Guest Post by the Twinsie: Emily @ Fortitude in Fitness

Let me start this by saying my sister is amazing. She has two kiddo's and her own business as a Fitness coach. She maintains probably one of the healthiest diets I've ever heard of and she loves to experiment in the kitchen. Okay, well we both do, but she has a more time to actually come up with great recipes. If you remember, quite some time ago, I featured her story about why she does what she does and who she is! You can read it here.

If you are ever interested in new meals loaded with nutrients you NEED to go check out her new blog she just started. Also, just go show her some LOVE. So when I asked her to write a little somethin' somethin' for me she whipped up something new and a sweet tasty treat for all of you!

Go visit her at Emilylivingstonfif.blogspot.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------


PUMPKIN everything! 

It's that time of the year! Lattes, scones, muffins, breads..... Anything you can think of made into PUMPKIN. 

Heading into fall can be so pretty and it just screams cuddles, warm drinks, and adorable clothes. Right?! Although, with that also comes the hustle of getting kids back into school, prepping for the holidays, and BEST YET.... Football season. Parties everywhere. Which Reminds me.. with parties and the abundance of food, some most people come out the other end of fall and winter into spring with an extra amount of unwanted weight gain! This year for myself I've vowed to not gain a single unwanted pound of fluff! I'm constantly hosting support and accountability groups, FOR THIS VERY REASON! It's only natural for me to make sure you know you are always welcome into these groups! Accountability= more results and success! The programs are fool proof and they work! I wouldn't be where I am without them! So consider your self invited and you can join here. Just be sure to leave a comment, or connect with me on Facebook. 


Okay, okay I'm sure you're dying to know how to make this delish dish! I tasted it this morning, and it's like heaven! It would go amazing on toast, Ezekiel bread, bagels, or even make a YUMMY filler for homemade cinnamon rolls with a coconut cream frosting all over the top! 

Here's what you'll need:

3/4 cup Raw Almonds
3/4 cup Raw Halved Pecans
1 cup Pure Pumpkin
3 tsp Coconut Sugar
1 1/2 tbsp Coconut Oil
1 tsp Vanilla Extract

1. Preheat your oven to 375*. Once heated, roast your almonds and pecans for about 8-10 mins. Careful not to burn them. Let cool for 5 mins.
2. In a blender or food processor blend up the nuts until they are becoming gooey like a paste. 
3. Add in the remainder of the ingredients, and blend until smooth. (about 2 mins or so) 
4. Thoroughly enjoy! 



Friday, August 22, 2014

Through It All



 
This whole week I have been singing this song. I've had a similar song stuck in my head before, as some might recall. I posted the old hymn on here right before I announced on my blog that I was pregnant with our sweet Colton, I was so at peace and content with what God was doing, at least in that moment.
 
No, I am not pregnant. Actually I've been greeted with more waiting and crappy CD3 tests suggesting DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), looks like I may have the ovaries of a post menopausal woman at the tender age of 26 (almost 27, September baby!!).
 
But recently I've been called to believe in Victory this year. I am certain that this was for a purpose. God's just in the business of writing a really good story and apparently mine might be one to watch. Or I could possibly be trying to write my own story and so far it seems too big to be true and far to grand for my human self, it's a cool story with the culmination ending in major Victory. I've always been under the impression that if it seems too big for my flesh to accomplish it's more than likely a God sized dream. My dreams lately are a little confused, it's like I'm in the process of being completely reorganized in my God sized dreams and goals and ambitions.
 
What's crazy is this song has been on repeat in my head for days, well before I received an unwanted report or discouragement in the face of desperately wanting to create a family. I've realized that MY story isn't really about me at all. It's really only about God making something and someone so broken, both physically and emotionally, whole. That it's simply only because of Him that we walk in Victory, and that things are made right, and we've been redeemed in our suffering. THAT is what's important. My story isn't about me, but about the One who wants us so desperately in His presence. It's about His ability, His character, His promised, and most importantly, His forever Kingdom. I'd so much like to make it really about me, and let's be honest, it STILL sucks that the terrible news, and bad reports keep comin' in like it's the cool thing to do, to drag little Morgan down. But, I've been given the word Victory not as a mistake. I think what makes this journey so worth it are the tiny, quiet little promises I get to experience. As much as I'd like them to show up in big firework displays and in-your-face type situations, I know that this is NOT a mistake. Come on Lord, where's my burning bush, pillar of Fire, or heck, a white horse coming for my rescue?
 
Victory.
 
Because I stand in Victory, not of my own, I can say with such confidence:
 
 Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

 Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

 Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

 Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

 So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul


Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.
 
My hope is that this encourages you. Persistence, hope, but most importantly, Victory. Believe it, receive it, accept it.
 
I believe that what this song speaks of is truth, and that for your sake God will toss that mountain deep into the sea. The waves and wind still know His name and because He loves you, It is well.
 
 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Bronson Bear and Renovations

Many of my friends and family know that I had a wonderful Rottie that ended up staying with my ex, Jer, before I started dating my husband. That was possibly the hardest good bye I've ever had to do (the pup, not the ex).

This week I got news that at the tender age of 3.5 years old he died from Cancer. It was a very aggressive form of cancer and from start to finish it only took about 3 months to completely take over his entire body. I am so thankful that Jer told me. Although I could have gone without talking to him (ever!), I was happy to know that he knew how much Bronson meant to me, and felt that I should know.

Bronson was my best friend, my companion, my bud. He went everywhere with me, I put in countless hours training him and loving him. He saw a lot of tears and made me laugh constantly. When I felt alone in that relationship, I knew that my pup would be there through thick and thin. He was the very first dog I ever owned.

Upon receiving that news I sat in my car and cried. I have experienced so much loss this year and have said countless goodbyes over my short life, I was so sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him that day that Jer put him to rest. He did agree to send me a more recent picture of our Pup and also agreed to send me a picture of his urn and keep me updated on what he will do with Bronson's ashes. I loved that pup with all I could give and he never failed to give me love back.

(this one is not great quality but the first week I brought him home)














My Bronson Bear, I have missed you and I will always miss you. I know for certain you are up there with Baby Brooks 1 and 2 and taking care of Colton, holding down the fort. You were always protective over me, and I just know you are making sure my little ones are safe.

Love you always, Me

This last weekend I had big plans to paint and get our 3rd bathroom/laundry room ready and painted for the delivery of our washer and dryer. When my hubs tore off the baseboards we found the dreaded black mold. Lucky us, it wasn't nearly as bad as we thought it was or could have been. So the money we had planned on spending on remodeling the master bathroom went straight into this bathroom. This was the only "Before" picture I have, and as you can tell it's in the process of being ripped apart. I am getting super excited about the finished product. As this room was poorly done by the previous owners, and half finished, we are now able to finish it completely and make it look 10000x better! I'm certain my next post will more than likely include the finished product.


Don't worry, we tore down the awful curtains! The vanity is actually in decent condition so my next project is to sand that bugger and paint it, replace the counter top and hardware/faucet. Instead of putting the grubby old mirror that was on there we will put up a new mirror and it will be a lot more simple. I am very excited, even though it was an unexpected expense. 

This last week has been packed full! We had VBS from 6-9pm each night and it flew by! We also ran into a speed bump with our newest addition, Jamus, he ended up getting a staph infection up into his kidneys, so a few rounds of antibiotics are in our future. I was so concerned for him and after news about my little Bronson I was not ready to say another goodbye to a tiny little puppy. Of course the infection is rather serious, he should recover just fine, so my poor brain had gone straight to the worst case scenario.  

(He actually loves everyone at the vet!)

God is faithful, he knows our needs, and knows our desires. He'll care for us, and care for my little fur babies. Although it's been seemingly stressful I am actually quite at peace knowing that He is a provider and at peace remembering that He has always been faithful through everything and knowing that He will remain faithful through whatever is next.....

 However, I do feel that a pedicure should be in my near future. Yep, that's it!! A Pedicure. (Hear that hubs, I think I NEED it ;) )


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Anniversary... ok, well it's tomorrow!

On 8/7/2013 I was still recovering from the loss of our first pregnancy and desperately searching for someone who had experience with ectopic pregnancies, that was a believer and had the perfect insight to what I needed and when. Well, of course I never found one and that began the journey of God whispering to me that it was time for me to start sharing my experiences with a little bit of life thrown in there. I was super hesitant at first. I don't particularly like that my life has been public and I, personally, have seen it to just be a show to be watch, entertaining at best. But, I think through it all I have been made more transparent, I have learned to communicate more effectively and clearly. I have learned that my life has been made a public testimony of God's craftsmanship and works. I haven't really liked much of the circumstances He has chosen to grow me, but it has worked. I've seen clearly my short comings, my downfalls, my strengths and will power to overcome. It's been a long season of refinement by fire and I will say I have been desiring a new season. Being plagued by jealousy, fear, and anger (and best of all healing!) for well over a year has been exhausting and I know that there is freedom from it. I've experienced it previously with my other losses, but this time, it's different. I avoid people who are close to me, I find that I actually feel hatred in my heart that for some people the simple act of child bearing is seemingly easy for them and worry/stress free. The first two losses I was two steps forward one step back and made loads and loads of progress, this time, it's ten steps backwards and two steps forward. I'm ready for Victory, I'm ready for freedom.

Recently in my counseling we discussed this issue and she had asked me why I just can't relax and not care and not be so upset about it all anymore. Why is it so difficult for me to go back to how I was before we got pregnant for the first time? I thought to myself long and hard and couldn't come up with an answer, and I realized that I felt that it was an unfair question. How does one experience life and death and be exactly the same? How does one have not just one, but three losses, and not worry that your womb has become a tomb for the dead? How does one not care anymore about the little lives that lived in me for any length of time? If I could I would certainly go back to accepting the fact that I was deemed completely infertile and would need IVF to achieve any glimmer of hope in regards to expanding our family. I had fully accepted that diagnosis and was confident in the story that God had presented me with. That time in my life, although it saw it's moments of tears, it was much easier to navigate than RPL (repeat pregnancy loss). I would certainly love to be stress and worry and care free, although that would make me less human and more robot. I can't go back, as much as I would like to, I feel it's impossible to go back and not be affected by the events over my blogging year.

I never once imagined this is what my life would look like, and I never imagined that I would actually come away from all this feeling as if I survived a major catastrophe. But in my survival, it's been just that. I survived. Yet, I crave more than just that. I want more of Him, I want a deeper more meaningful relationship with the One who actually planned this life out for me. I want to know that all the things to come are carefully thought about and He has planned to protect me from here on out.

As I reflect back on the past year I see a lot of hope, a lot of good things, and a lot of heartache and a solid amount of tears. I'm praying over this website and myself that this next year will be the year of triumph and victory. Joy and rejoicing.

In fact I think I want this next year to be a year that I focus on Victory. I know without a doubt that He has good things planned and I expect that, however I desire Victory in the face of my struggles. I want to stand from a place of Victory when I'm in a pit that I can't seem to crawl out of yet. On 4/24/14 God had promised me a new ministry and I still don't know what that's going to look like but I do know that if I continue to walk in His will that something will come up, and if I'm walking in victory I know that He will use my testimony for the good of those around me. I haven't forgotten what He's promised and I want to hold Him to his word. I'm depending on that promise with everything in me.

So this year I have had 62 published posts, a total of 22,791 views and 344 comments with a whopping total of 24 followers. You 24 followers have sure been supportive  ;)


On another note, the Hubs and I are finally moved into our new home. However, I will add that we are still surrounded by loads of boxes and a bigger mess than what we started with. I think it's probably just going to take time. It's nice to start to see little by little some rooms start to come together. This weekend I am painting the laundry room and hopefully the accent wall and dresser for the master bedroom. There is so much work to be done and cleaning, and I think my list could go on and on. Our biggest hurdle has been the pool. The previous owners neglected to clean during escrow. Thus leaving us a HUGE mess upon moving in. It's taken us (and when I say us, I really mean the husband) just over a week to get it somewhat started and we have yet to make it swimmable. I am not sure if they just got lazy or what. They claimed to had been busy, but maintaining an already clean pool during the 45 day escrow couldn't have taken THAT much time out of the day. It's certainly been aggravating, especially since it's been SO hot. A nice swim at night after work would be amazing! Hopefully this weekend we will have it ready to rock and roll.

 
This right here shows me how great of a daddy my hubs will be. It melts my heart to know and watch everyday with everyone else's kids how much he LOVES them and all the little ones. His love for his nieces and nephews just blow me away.


 
And these toes are my favorite right now, I wish I had the emoji with the heart eyes to adequately show my gaga eyes over this girl. Tiny little feet on a little one who is growing far too fast, and it needs to slow down, please!
 
 
Walk in Victory!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Celebrating Life 7/23-7/24, 2013

As I sit here waiting for words to come, I feel failed. Words don't come. I type, delete, type again, and delete again. Wondering how on earth do I describe how today, one year ago, everything changed.

It's been a year of darkness, but I stand in confidence that something HAS to change. I will believe nothing less.

As I sat in a tiny little doctor's office, shaking, I waited to hear news that I never imagined I would hear. Ectopic. Tubal. I was scheduled for surgery that next morning (the 24th), as I was already starting to bleed internally. I don't think I'll ever forget my drive home from that office, I don't think I'll ever forget the song that played on repeat. I'll never forget how my hubs and I went home, washed up, went to dinner. It all felt so normal, but it was so quiet. It was very surreal. We didn't say much. After dinner we pulled into our pastor's drive-way, and I braced myself to actually admit out loud, that our first pregnancy (after being told it would NEVER happen naturally), our first baby, would have to be terminated and removed surgically from me.

Because my words fail me today and my words most likely won't come, I'll just post some pictures of July 23rd and July 24th. I hated saying good bye to someone who was deeply loved and deeply desired.

Today Connor and I will be writing notes on balloons and driving somewhere to a top of a mountain or hill to let them go. If you feel so moved to join us in celebrating our Little Flower, send pics, send off your own balloon in memory of our little one :) May seem silly to some, but what the heck, I'll do anything silly or not silly to celebrate the little ones that were mine for a short moment in time.


 
This song made the 23rd and my road to recovery much more bearable.

 
Pick-me-up dinner date with the Hubs. I don't remember having a single conversation at that table.

 
Sweet Hannah picked this out for me and brought it over that night. She was 1.5 years old at the time, her little heart is such a giver!

 
I loved having moments where I could feel the blessings, wholly.
 

 


Another blogger that I follow, today would have been her due date, and she had posted a song that just absolutely gutted me, Let Her Go. You can find it here for her post and also the YouTube video here.


Dearest Little Flower,

This Momma Loves you and misses you terribly. You were taken far too soon, but I know you are well cared for, and this world I live in is only temporary and we will get to meet you, soon. My little angel, you are severely missed, cherished, and deeply adored. My first, you brought hope, and new beginnings.

Love Always,

Me
 
 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Whirlwind

How time just slips away amazes me, every time.

My husband and I close on our new home in 9 days!! Let me tell you, buying a home can be incredibly stressful, but really only for short periods of time. It's that hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait cycle that is time consuming then falls into a nice lull for a moment or two. Let me tell you this, we cannot be more excited to be in our new home. Settled in nice and tight for the next however many years. I can't stop day dreaming of paint, furniture, wall decor, tiles, and all the accessories that come along with the purchase of a new home. I also see how many dollar signs are attached to each dream item, and my heart sinks until I remember that really it just takes time to fill a house to make it a home.

We did make an addition to our home on Thursday, it was a little bit premature but I know that this was by far one of the greatest decisions, ever!

Meet Jameson, we call him Jamus (Jame-is) 99% of the time:



This new little one is a Husky/Lab/Shepard mix and he is quite possibly the sweetest boy ever! He has brought so much joy into my heart lately and I just know he was the best addition we could have picked. Being around him my heart feels a little more at rest, a little more healed. He has the greatest temperament, very docile, very calm! I call him my very own therapy puppy. Turns out, after speaking to his new vet, he is likely a great candidate for a service animal. I have been considering training him to be exactly that. I would love for this dude to visit kiddos in hospitals and provide love and concern for the elderly in retirement/care homes, obviously just for a visit though because I am far too in love with him to let him stay anywhere with out me. 

Speaking of therapy, I have been considering talking about this on my blog. I haven't really talked about it even in person with the majority of my friends and family. Maybe it's cause I am embarrassed, or maybe I am afraid of being judged, perhaps I am most fearful of the unwanted comments I will get from some that are closest to me. 

I started going to counseling. I also was told I have PTSD.

OK, ok, so when I admit that out loud I immediately shrink back into a corner because, well there are hundreds of others out there who have suffered far greater injuries and hardships than what I personally have gone through. This is one thing that I do constantly; I start comparing my brokenness to someone elses. I start to devalue my own feelings and situations because So and So had it harder, or so it seems. I've neglected my own reality that losing 3 babies has been quite traumatic, and our third loss really sealed the deal. 

After a few weeks post loss I was good and ok, life felt almost back to normal, I grieved, I made a box.... then about 9 weeks after our loss I started experiencing extreme panic attacks and flash backs that would shift me from reality completely for 30 seconds or more, completely reliving situations that I'd rather not relive . There are things/people/social gatherings that I will completely avoid because it actually increases my desire to RUN and RUN far.... All this was causing an internal struggle within me... I hear far too often that as a follower of Jesus that I am really to be joyful and to have hope at all times and forget my pain and suffering because all is well, I have been saved by grace. 

All these things are true my friends! But I refuse to ignore my body telling me that I have completely neglected my emotions and replaced it with guilt. Guilt that I actually feel things, guilt that although I am confident in my hope and salvation through Jesus Christ, I was still sad... Why should a believer be sad, what do we really have to be down cast over? There are loads and loads of circumstances that come knocking, and let's just be honest, they freaking suck and some times, these circumstances are unfathomably hard. We also have a responsibility to address our emotions however fleeting they may be and not ignore them. For far too long I walked in shame thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me because I was still sad, and still struggling, and still upset. I felt guilt that I wasn't joyful even in my circumstances. Although, I still firmly believe(d) that I had joy and I trust that this will work together for my good and His glory. So if I trust God, why am I still grieving....

All this neglect manifested itself into anxiety and panic and flashbacks. 

My shame and embarrassment at my lack of ability to cope successfully threw me into a pit of keeping this secret all to myself, my husband, and one close friend. I decided to open up about this because I want to be real. And being real means that even in my pain, even in the trials, even in the crap that comes in (heck, even in the amazing times), I still love Jesus and He still loves me, despite how screwed up I am. I've come to realize that having these emotions (that I've neglected) is ok. It's normal, and my emotions are a gift from God as a tool to help navigate me through. Am I to dwell and wallow in my misery forever, well no. But when I feel sadness and sorrow, I shouldn't ignore it simply because I was taught I should be joyful and not caught up in my crappy circumstances. 

So what does joy look like when you are in a pit? For me, my joy really only stems from the confidence that I have that God who created me very intricately, loves me wholly and fully beyond my brain and body's capability to understand. Joy is my belief that my circumstances are only temporary and he will redeem was what lost and redeem what has been broken, even though right now my doubt may be stronger than ever, and he knows that full well. Joy is: that I am completely, undeservingly accepted into His grace, flaws and all, fixed or not fixed. 

Trauma is real, and loss is a straight up battle. It robs you of the initial joy and replaces it with fear. It plays with your head and tampers your logic. It imprints memories in your mind you'd much rather forget, and holds you hostage until you learn to validate your feelings and your thoughts and navigate through them to find the truth and accept that the Lord has a bigger picture and we only see a tiny fraction of the story he's creating. I think for a lot of us, walking through whatever it might be, hit this road block and that's when we start asking why... How come.... when...? If we just keep pressing through and hanging on just a little longer, we'll see another sliver of the story. And sometimes the next little sliver still doesn't feel good enough, and that's ok too. Just keep walking, just keep pushing forward.... 

H - hanging 
O - on
P - persistently
E - everyday

Hope and joy doesn't mean to slap a smile on your face when you want to cry. It doesn't mean to hide your sorrow and "fake it 'till you make it". In your deepest sorrows, on the highest mountain, in the lowest valley, hope and joy simply means He, the author of our lives, still loves us, regardless of our feelings, our trials, or roadblocks. I'm tired of the guilt, and I think that's why I am compelled to throw this out in the open; to show my "uglies" and be a little more human, but also a lover of Jesus that isn't afraid to tackle hard issues and be real. 

All that being said, the last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Going, going, going. Appointments, work, house, puppy, life... Throw in car troubles for extra measure (at least my Monday turned into a catch up day, blogging day, and a home cooked meal kind of day).  9 more days!! EEEK! Hopefully the next time I blog I'll be doing so from my new living room, or kitchen table... Perhaps even out by the pool... 

Say what?! A Pool?! Yes.. Yes indeed, the Lord spoiled us!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

May All Your Dreams Come True

There's this man in my life, I'd like to tell you about him.

 He's all sorts of wonderful. He's gifted, strong, sensitive, quick to forgive, and quick to apologize. He's silly, and sweet. He's kind, but firm. He loves Jesus, and leads his family well. 



He loves ( and I mean LOVES) kids....


He's so silly and is always down to take selfies in the car with me....


We have loads of fun..... He makes me laugh......A lot


When he does this, it melts me to the core.....

He's more than what I ever thought I 'd be blessed with. He's a major sports fan, and is loyal to his fav football team ( GO PANTHERS). He cheers loudly, and gives pep talks through the TV. He's never crabby for long, and can talk for hours. He's smart, he's sexy. He's Mine, all mine.

Today, It's his Birthday. I celebrate another year with him, I celebrate the man the Lord created. I celebrate the new seasons and blessings that will pour out on him. 


 June 29th, 2012 - The first time we celebrated his Birthday together... In Pullman


He's such a B.A , I love his tude....


Dearest Connor B,

You have the biggest heart I have ever seen. You have an amazing ability to be strong and sturdy through the storms. You have been gifted and blessed with knowledge and capabilities to teach the word and  teach children. You are an amazing example of forgiveness and grace and persistence. You have been a solid rock, my best friend, and an example of love. 

This year I am praying that the Lords presence increase in your life, that your story unfolds even more, and you allow the Lord to write out your purpose for His glory. I am praying that He uses you and fills your life with an abundance of joy and blessings. That your cup never runs dry and you draw near to the one who had knit you together so perfectly. 

I admire your attitude and your heart of encouragement. Your passion for life, people, and the good Lord's creation is amazing. Although you are a toughie, your really a softy at heart. When you aren't looking, I watch you constantly and I love the way your mind just twirls constantly. 

Through hell and high waters, through sickness and health, through good times and bad you have loved me more than I deserve and I am so thankful for the man you have grown to be and I am proud of the man you are becoming.  

Happy Birthday, Love. I hope and pray that all your dreams come true. 


I love you something fierce,
Love always, Morgan


Friday, June 27, 2014

Seasons of Change

I have been meaning to blog for a couple of weeks now and at the end of each day I crawl into bed and kick myself for not making the time to write. I've opted instead for a longer snuggle sesh with my man, or an extra hour of sleep. Heck, I've actually tried to think of one valid reason why I haven't posted anything. Then I look at my calendar and realize that I have simply just not had time and there have been many other important things that have taken priority.

Regardless, here I am finally making an effort to blog and this is the best I could come up with:
My weekend started with a Graduation Party for a sweet friend of mine, D! Congrats Girl, you ROCK

 
Little miss H and me chillin' on a Saturday night

 
Her cheeks kill me, every time

 
Little miss H's sister, loved chasing the cat around the yard, yes, that is a bat. I promise no harm was done :)

I had the pleasure of stealing her away for Sunday too! Lucky me :) She is so beautiful
 
This next one grabbed my attention while scrolling down Facebook. The night I saw this happened to be a Tuesday. For some reason I was feeling defeated and lonely and had an unexpected moment of grief and sadness. The past year had caught up to me and I sat in my car and cried and prayed and cried some more. Nothing was how I expect and EVERYTHING had changed. I was emotionally and physically and spiritually exhausted. I don't talk much about my cycles and I most likely will keep it that way, no one needs to know THAT much about me. But, I had realized that it had been exactly one year to the cycle that I got pregnant for the first time. June 20th, 2013 was CD1, and June 20th 2014 was CD1.... For some reason it just gutted me. ALL my memories came flooding back.  When I saw this next picture, I was encouraged to just be me and allow God to love me where I am, and allow Him to continue His blessings and provisions in my life. I've been longing consistently for renewal, for grace and compassion. I fully believe and also expect Him to follow through and provide that in my life. It may not look the way I want, or feel the way I want, but He truly knows best, and that's more than enough for me. That's more than sufficient for me to be on my knees with open hands waiting to be renewed, continuously.
 
 
So why the Seasons of Change title huh?
 
Well, let me tell you, I believe fully that things are changing. I believe my Husband and I are in that renewal season, and here's why:
 
One, we are expecting huge miracles that stretch our faith more than we've dared to expect before. (I'm not ashamed to say that we are strictly praying for complete healing of my right fallopian tube and we fully believe that the next time we are pregnant it will be from that side and also our take home baby, and simply for His Glory. I am expecting Him to show off in a way that only He can.)
 
Two, We packed up our apartment and said good bye to our first home in belief that our new home was on it's way. I cried for a brief moment as I drove away, realizing that that little place was our home and all our "firsts" were in that place. The secrets those walls will keep for a lifetime are very bittersweet to me.
 
Three, God provided a new home for us and then some! We were doubly blessed with the new home that we were able to move forward with. They accepted our offer in less than 24 hours! Unfortunately the previous home did not work out the way we all wanted, but I firmly believe that God is still restoring us, and them, and the home for His glory! He has a purposeful plan!
 
Four, as we move forward and pray for wisdom in regards to a family, the Lord is changing the way we believe for things (kind of tied into #1), and the way we think things ought to be. This journey hasn't been easy, Connor and I didn't see eye to eye on some circumstances, and we are adapting into our calling as husband and wife, as well as what it's going to look like as a Mom and Dad. I am happy to know that when we don't see eye to eye, the Lord is gracious when we ask for wisdom to hear each other and know what His thoughts are on our circumstances.
 
Five, we are learning to adapt to how dramatically our lives have changed over the last year. I'm telling you, this has profoundly changed our marriage, for the better. I can't even begin to tell you the ways we've messed up and lashed out and forgiven each other (my husband is quite possibly the best forgiver, and the best hubby EVER). The picture of marriage and how we are to treat each other and support each other during the Good and the Bad and the worst of times has become a foundational lesson for us. I feel like although all this change has been extremely difficult it has its purpose and I am so thankful that I can see that and use these opportunities to grow and we can become One even more.
 
And for me, how much things, on the fertility side, have changed and impacted my life dramatically for the last 2 years, and especially the last several months. Learning to adapt to what's become a major part of me and my life and accepting it as a good thing, believe it or not.
 
It's been quite the wild ride and like I said, I am fully expecting change on all accounts for the better. We're morphing even more to look like Jesus and we are exchanging our old ways for new ways. Are we scared? YES! Are we nervous? Absolutely. Do we expect Good and BIG things? 100%!Everything has changed and been turned upside down, and although hard, it's been for the better, and it really is all for His Glory and for the first time since Colton left us, I am hopeful. I am encouraged.  I am excited to see things only the Lord can accomplish.
 
A sweet friend of mine, Andi sent me this song, and I think it's fitting. We, I am willing to do whatever, if He asks me to. Simply because I know that I know that He will lead me through and it will be exactly what I need for my good and His Glory!
 
 
 
And a minor medical update: Anything with a * or Italics was updated. Thank you Lord for almost all tests coming back Normal!
 
*Karyotype - Normal ( I am happy to know that I am genetically sound, *Hubby - we went forward and decided to do his Karyotype, and his results also came back Normal, Praise God!
*Lupus - Boarder line - After further review and a second opinion, My Lupus Antibodies are boarder line and will be monitored very closely.
*Thyroid - Low indicating possible hyperthyroidism, getting second opinion. After the second opinion my Dr decided it would be best to monitor this closely as well.
*Anemia found in all labs since before pregnancy that was not treated, it has resolved, but will be monitored in the future
Prothrombin - Normal
Antithrombim - Normal
Vit D - Normal
Factor V - Normal
Factor II - Normal
Diabetes tests - Normal
Blood clotting disorders - Normal
*Van Willebrand - Normal
*Homocyseine - *Extremely Elevated - Treating with aspirin for the time being, then monitored closely
Protein S - Normal
Protein C - Normal
Prolactin - Normal
*MTHFR - **Compound Heterozygous MTHFR (click the title for more information on this specific type) - I am also a double carrier. My second opinion revealed that we will be treating this before, during, and after pregnancy.

Please be praying as I am still experiencing a minor side effect of the surgery (possibly small pieces of retained tissue from the placenta) and we will give it one more month before deciding if it will need treatment or not. I am electing to believe that no intervention will be needed and all will be healed.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Memory Lane

Holy buckets life is FLYING right by me. I simply cannot believe that we are in June... And June is one of my favorite months! Why you ask? Well, my mother has come to visit the last 2 years in June. 

A successful trip to ULTA only happens if you happen to try ALL the makeup on your hand! 


I have been wanting to start wearing more bold colors on my kisser. I found a great red by Smash Box called Legendary. I was so sad when we found out it was sold out. So instead I went on the hunt for the next best thing. Fortunately I still brought home some Smash Box gloss to wear alone or over the lip stick. I love it!
 
We got lucky with warm weather and a shopping trip for some new clothes, I love clothes. Then we ended the night at one of our most favorite places, The Elk. If you are ever downtown, that is a fabulous place to eat, indoors or outdoors. 



I saved this for last, even though it was part of our shopping day, but I am IN LOVE with this polish. I have always loved the ULTA brand, but this color! My oh my, it is awesome! The only down side is it takes 3 coats and it was tacky for longer than I expected. In the future I will certainly have to remember this to avoid smudges and dings. Bonus, the polish was on sale for $2 a piece. 


My other, and most favorite reason why I love June is because.... It's our Anniversary! 6.8.13 was quite possibly one of my most favorite days ever. Our wedding was absolutely flawless in every way possible. 




 





 
                            





We laughed, we cried and we celebrated hard! My dress was my mothers that I restyled and surprised her with. I also wore her veil as well. I couldn't have asked for a better day. At the end of the party my Husbands friends tossed him in the river. I was less than pleased at first, then got over it! 
As we close this chapter and open the next there are so many amazing things the Lord is doing and new beginnings coming. As we pack up our first home and move on to the next chapter we are overwhelmingly blessed by the goodness and graciousness of the Lord. Although this year didn't look as we thought, it still exceeded my expectations. 

Love you, Connor B. With all that I am.