The ‘I’ word..........

                                                    Infertility (Part I)

There is no delicate way to introduce a heavy topic. There is no delicate way to expose some of my most deepest sorrows, triumphs, and victories. Of this I am certain, I was not created to be shy of the miracles in my life, and I was not created to contain or hide my story of Redemption, Restoration and My Fathers Sufficiency. So here I go, tearing the band aid right off, and letting many in to some very treasured life lessons....

September 7th was the day that I had decided to change things. For myself. I had had many doctors from a very young age make decisions for me. Telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. Things that they made sure to remind me that they were the experts.

The months leading up to this surgery I did all the research I could to find natural ways of dealing with some of the unpleasant side effects of Endo. I found different diets, what to avoid, what vitamins can help (all accompanied by weekly exercise) and I decided that some of these tips and hints could be helpful. I was going to take charge of my body, and really fall back into trusting God’s word and his promises of making me whole, in whatever means He felt would show His power. I knew the surgery was the right thing to do, and I knew that this would be my last.

This surgery consisted of countless procedures that I need not go into detail of, many of which are routine for laparoscopic surgeries for endometriosis. Once this surgery was over I knew that it was the right choice for me, personally, to remove myself from any form of birth control (as it was not necessary for prevention of pregnancies), and let my body do what it naturally needed to do. 

This was a longer procedure than I've experienced in the past, and there were no known complications. I was sent home after several hours of observation to rest and recover. The recovery process was normal, and to be expected.

In late September I went in for my routine post op appointment. My doctor informed of all the minor details surrounding my surgery. Routine, normal conversation. Then the room was all of a sudden filled with that lingering word, But...

But, something didn’t go as planned. Something didn’t happen the way it was suppose to. But.... Something changed my life. The words that spilled from her mouth never made sense to me. I was lost in the first sentence. 

Journal Entry
“What happens when it - Life - feels empty? What happens when the words don’t come?

What happens when His voice is so small you’re not even sure it’s there anymore?...... What happens when you have nothing left to say,

but a million things to feel? Where is He then? Is that where we find our “cry” for God.. In rambling, written on faded papers of loss, confusion, heartache, joy, thankfulness and sorrow? This must be what it means to cry out. This must be where he promised to meet us right where we are.” 

This catapulted me into a frenzy, into a bit of emotional chaos and numbness.

 How do I trust God? How do I heal, how do I forgive?

 This changed my direction of faith completely. For the better, eventually. Every day it was a battle to lay these concerns at His feet. But every day, I did. My Father did glorious things in me. He made me weak and so strong all at the same time. Weak enough to keep me flat on my face before Him, but strong enough to come crawling into His arms. Sometimes His presence was the last place I wanted to be, but at that same moment, I knew that was the only place I could be to find the wholeness I needed, and was searching for. 

Isaiah 54:10

“Though the mountains be shaken and this hills be removed, 

            yet my unfailing Love for you will not be shaken

 nor my covenant of peace be removed”,

            says the Lord

 who has compassion on you. 

This is just part I, this is a journey that has prayerfully been considered to be shared. I know full well His plans for me are good, and His plans are to refine me and allow me wisdom and knowledge about His promises. My journey through these events, and coming posts about my experience are for His glory, encouragement, and support. I love people, and I know my Purpose is love People. Right now, this is how I am choosing to Love. 

xox

-Morgan B