Celebrating Life 3/27/14

Today I thought for sure would bring sorrow,
I thought for sure today would see many tears.

Today, I thought perhaps would see pj's and Kleenex,
I thought for sure I would be defeated.

But the Lord granted me my one wish.

Hope.


Now that I have (un)successfully made a shopping trip to Target, Nordstrom Rack, a successful lunch and a stop at a yummy coffee shop to see my sister in law, I sit on my sofa listening to some of my favorite tunes, reading, worshipping and lounging around surrounded by my furry friends. I can't help but reflect on the deepest outpouring of Hope.

I can't help but find myself celebrating life. I have known deep down in my soul that the Lord has purchased me with the perfect and spotless blood of the Lamb. Today was just another reminder that we all were purchased with the blood of the Lamb and written in the palms of his hands, unforgotten.

See I have engraved you in the palms of my hands; 

your walls are ever before me!

Isaiah 49:16

Being called His for all eternity isn't only exclusive to those who have experienced the dirt and sunshine of the outside world. I celebrate the victory of Eternal Life! How could I not be filled with Hope and renewal knowing my little one(s) is up there praising the Lord forever and ever... Experiencing Eternal Life to the fullest at the feet of Jesus! I can't help but celebrate at the miracle of life living within me and growing, being knitted together in the depths of my being, what an honor and privilege to be included!

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mothers womb.

Psalm 139:13

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

I didn't weep for what would have or could have been. I wept for what He did for us at the cross. I wept for the Joy and the Hope you can only find in the Lord. I wept for the miracles He has done, I wept for what He has done for me, and what He has walked me through. Sounds weird, but I don't miss what I thought could have and should have been. I am perfectly content knowing where they are and who is loving on them.

He breaks every chain, he broke all my chains. I am free.


And because this is me to a T, I had to share :) Thank you FaceBook for making this pop up in my news feed!

God Be Praised

Across the earth we see
Worshippers believe
Hear our song
Praise to our God
Praise to our God

From dawn 'til dusk we'll be
Lifting up our King
Hear our song
Praise to our God
Praise to our God

Bringing honour to Your majesty
There's no other like the King of all kings

God be praised
All the glory to Your awesome Name
All creation rising up to say,
"We know our God reigns!"

Our broken lives were changed
When You broke the night with day
Hear our song
Praise to our God
Praise to our God

God be praised
All the glory to Your awesome Name
All creation rising up to say
"We know our God reigns!"
Singing, God be praised
All the glory to Your awesome Name
Though the earth will shake and battles rage
We know our God reigns!

Out of ashes You lifted us
To the table You came and filled our cup
Ev'ry heart and soul, all we are and more
Praise the Lord!

Our God reigns
Our God reigns
Our God reigns
Our God reigns

As 40 weeks comes to a close on a pregnancy I never was able to complete (3/27/2014) I am overwhelmed with grief, sadness, and a sense of hope and joy. On my drive to work I typically sing my guts out to whatever CD happens to be playing. Today this song popped up and I played it on repeat and sang this as my anthem. Our God Reigns. He is to be praised. I feel like this song proclaims so perfectly what we ought to be doing on this earthly home while we're here, and it perfectly states what all creation longs to be doing for eternity. There is so much hope, and healing, and adoration that spills from these lyrics. I just love it. During my reflection of the last 9 months, this song could very well be my personal anthem. I have tasted and seen that He is good and worthy to be praised under all circumstances. 

"Our broken lives were changed
When You broke the night with day"

I've seen this statement to be true! My seasons of darkness were broken with His perfect light. 

"To the table You came and filled our cup"

Ah, my cup has never been so full. After being completely emptied, His promises are true and He certainly is capable of fulfilling!

God Be Praised!

A lot can happen in 40 weeks. 40 weeks changes you. Whether there's something to show for it or not. Although today, I would have only technically been 39 weeks, and quite possibly even have a babe in our arms, it's almost impossible to not entertain the ideas and dreams and wishes we once had for that little one. As I am typing and pondering those same thoughts for the new little one my body is nourishing (at a tiny 7 weeks and something odd days), I can't help but admit that I assumed that being pregnant during this passing milestone would be easier. As the day approaches, and my new little one is constantly reminding me of his/her presence, it's like a boulder has been placed in my chest. It's heavy and burdened. I assumed my sorrow would be greatly outweighed by the new joy. I assumed my brain may have even tried to forget, but instead it's all I can think about. I am also very thankful that the 40 weeks is almost over, I am even more thankful that both due dates are quickly coming to a close. It means I survived, and I am strong! I made it through, and better yet I'm still singing....

God Be Praised.

Small update for those who are interested:

Signs/Symptoms: Um, hello fatigue.... Did I mention I was tired?.... Oh and STARVING when my eyes pop open. Although I feel like I could eat a horse... My body decides otherwise. Some mild cramping/stretching, Dizzy, bloating, and moodiness. 

Morning sickness: How about ALL day sickness that rarely ever makes me dash to the bathroom, 

it's more like that 'feeling' like I could ralph all day long.

Weight gain/loss: At one point the scale did say 1lb lost, but after re-checking it looks like only about .2-.3 lbs lost. So I'm about the same really. 

Cravings/aversions: Meat, no thank you. Water, gag me. Food, um - gross. BUT, when I can eat it's typically a good solid shovel sesh of anything and everything I can manage to get in. Mostly fruit (yumm, cantaloupe) is the most tolerable of anything out there. 

Best Moment: My first ultra sound. Having it confirmed that there actually is a baby in there, and even better, it was in my uterus. Watching my husbands face as they did the ultrasound - Priceless. 

Blindsided....

Wow, time sure flies when you're having fun, huh?

Well, let me start off with this. I am fully aware that some who read this blog may stop visiting due to the pregnancy. I also will say that although I have been eagerly waiting the arrival of a pregnancy to blab about, I have more substance that that. My life doesn't only consist of baby, baby, and more baby. Although, it feels that way at times... So, I understand if you need to step away, but I hope that you stay.

The past week has been a blur. I don't know if it's because I am so tired that my spare time now consists of me staring off into space until I pass out, or if that's just what happens as you get older. Time just flies.

We had a minor freak, ok major freak out this week that lead my doctor to do another beta HCG blood test and required some rest and relaxation. This immediately prompted me to send out a please pray text to almost everyone I knew. I figure the more the better, right?

My beta done on 3/13 was 49,398 (Doubling time of 76 hours from my previous beta 9 days prior) -  it only took the Dr's office well over 24 hours to have a 4 minute conversation with me, over the phone. I was a little bit more than upset... talk about anxiety. I was always under the impression that the HCG was supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Which is semi correct. However, after talking to my doctor she assured me that the higher your numbers are, the longer it takes.... so I found this chart, reassuring me even more that my numbers are within normal range.....

Quick review
2/25 beta #1 - 206
3/4 beta #2 - 6897
3/13 beta #3 - 49,398

Apparently I'm pretty pregnant considering those numbers, haha! It feels a little surreal to say that.

After being assured my beta looks awesome she sent me to the urgent care to rule out a bladder infection. Well, low and behold, I had the start of one and was sent home with some antibiotics. Thankfully she instructed me to only take them if it gets worse, it may resolve on its own.

All that being said this week tested my faith. I did not realize how much I didn't trust that God will come through for me. I didn't trust that He is the sustainer of life, and it ain't over until He says it's over.  I was putting all my hope and trust in a simple number based off my blood. I also shut down. I didn't think I could handle another loss.. I didn't want to, so my defense kicked in and I completely shut off, leaving me numb, which really means overly emotional - umm hello tears. As I was laying in bed last night my mind kept drifting back to how I will handle the unexpected bumps and curves through this new adventure. How will I remind myself that the Lord is the one who is in control? How will I protect myself from believing the lies the enemy wants to pour into my thought life?

I don't have any answers, all I know to do is keep reminding myself who He has said He is. I guess this little hiccup that I was blindsided by, made me realize didn't learn much but I was made more aware of my need for Jesus even more than before.

I was talking with my sister-in-law all day yesterday, which I must add, was fantastic! After cheering, over text, that it was indeed the start of a bladder infection that was the culprit of my minor major freak out.  Here's a glimpse of what she said that brought a little more clarity to our situation:

That bastard fooled me again! I'm on the lookout now.... I'm on to him....I don't want my joy stolen from right underneath me! How dare I become a coward when our little one needs us the most! My husband gently reminded me on thursday as I sat numb in the car...

" Our baby deserves for us to fight for it (him/her)"

How dare I give up, or become afraid of the unknown. I must say, I am a little disappointed in my behavior and a little disappointed that I chose to throw my hands up and believe it was over. I'd like to excuse my behavior and say that after a few losses you can only expect to be let down... Or that the only rational way to proceed would be as cautious. I'll also admit that as soon as I saw even a tint of blood I immediately flashed back to my miscarriage, and the tests I took right after my surgery in July to prove to myself that the babe was actually gone... I was playing all the wrong mental movies. That is no excuse though.

My hope is in the Lord and I know that He will provide. I just momentarily gave up. Shame.on.me.

So, I move forward, feeling slightly silly for my behavior, but thankful that the Lord redeemed me anyway, and He had control anyway.

On another note, this little one turned 1 Thursday!

Isaiah -

This Auntie (and Uncle) loves you more than you know. Watching you grow to be such a little man at the tender age of 1 melts my heart. You are in good hands. Your Mommy and Daddy love you and want only the best for you. Our Prayer is you grow to love Jesus with everything in you, and you always know how good His plans are for your life. There is so much ahead of you!

Love you always,
M + C


My first little fur baby turned 2 on Wednesday!

Quick question: Should I do updates about the pregnancy, like cravings, symptoms, and all? I'm not sure how to incorporate all this... it's a whole new world! Feedback welcomed :)

XOX
Morgan

Miracles are for Me

" Journal Entry:

Jan. 9, 2013

Restoration:

The act of restoring; Renewal, revival, or reestablishment.

A return of something to a former, original normal, or unimpaired condition.

"God has mercifully promised me a season of restoration, what that entails, I am unsure." 

As most of my friends and family know, my story started long ago. I have a detailed history of endometriosis, loads and loads surgeries, birth control pills, patches, implants, IUD's, and some HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Fast Forward to September 2012 I had Surgery to remove an IUD, endometriosis, polyps, and a few other minor things.  Due to an unexpected outcome of the said surgery I was then prompted to have some further testing done. I also switched to a different OB/GYN physician.

Here is another brief review:

February 21st 2013 -  HSG concluded that both tubes were blocked.

I had a follow up in late March 2013 that involved confirmation of blocked tubes and a referral to a nearby fertility clinic when my (soon to be) husband and I decided we would want a family. IVF was going to be our best option were the words that filled that stale doctors office. I was devastated. How would we ever afford that? How is God going to make this right?

" Journal Entry:

Sufficiency; He is worthy of it ALL, he is worthy of it all. 

For from You are all things and to You are all thing, You deserve the glory.

Imperfections, sadness, brokenness, nonetheless He has promised. My greatest joy is knowing His character, and that He doesn't waiver."

In April of 2013 I decided to see a naturopath (Dr. M), it was suspected that my progesterone was low. I started sub lingual progesterone CD12/14-28 until mid June, then start a scheduled Hormone Panel for the first cycle after our marriage.

On June 8th of 2013 I was blessed to marry the love of my Life. Best Day Ever!

July 16th (CD27), noticed my cycle was not on time(usually a 25 day cycle) and not feeling quite right. Pregnancy Test showed faint positive. I didn't believe it, so I tossed it in the garbage.

July 17th - BFP, worried, and excited. Still didn't believe it completely. Long debate about calling the OBGYN who had told me my tubes were blocked, just a few short months ago.

July 18th - BFP again, it finally sunk in, and I called. Blood work ordered: HCG 60.

July 20th - Blood work ordered: HCG 159

On July 22nd my worst nightmare came true. Our early ultrasound showed nothing but a slightly inflamed right fallopian tube. I knew something was wrong right away. But, the ultrasound tech told me that the doctor would review my scan and call me to schedule a follow up or a repeat ultrasound.  On July 23rd  my blood draw results from the previous day showed a decrease, it dropped to 150. Dr. S called and wanted to see me in her office that afternoon at 2:30pm. I was then diagnosed with an Ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. We chose surgery over shot of methotrexate, surgery allowed for us to confirm bilaterally blocked tubes, remove pregnancy, and check for endometriosis.
On July 24th we said good bye to Baby Brooks #1, HCG was negative following surgery.

Upon recovery we were notified that surgery concluded that my right fallopian tube is damaged and no longer functional, however, it was left inside until next time, (seriously, who tells their patient, until NEXT time, talk about anxiety!) and my left fallopian tube showed to be absolutely PERFECT.  My husband remembers the doctor telling him this news and just shaking her head.... She had no rhyme or reason for this miracle. I was healed on one side. The Lord was making a way for us!

The next several months were filled with tears, sorrow, sadness, and a deep desire to know my God a little more, I wanted understanding, I needed comfort. I was mad and I needed healing.

Come September we finally felt comfortable not preventing, but certainly not trying diligently. On September 18th I received another BFP on HPT, I quickly called my doctor in fear and she ordered blood tests. My HCG came back at 12. I was told that was definitely positive, but couldn't determine if this was viable or not. The only way we could tell was if we repeated the blood work in 48 hours.  Two days later my blood work came back at only 22. This was not looking promising. Within the next week the pregnancy was over. Leaving us with a date of the 24th being one of not so fond memories. We sadly waved good bye to Baby Brooks #2.

This is our African violet- I purchased this in memory of our little ones. Every time it blooms I am so overwhelmed with joy. 

The end of October the Hubby and I decided we would start seriously trying. This began the journey of all the crazy things women tend to do, all in the name of trying to get pregnant. Thermometers, ovulations tests, pregnancy tests... God did a lot of work in me, and it soon became clear that I was the one trying to take control. I learned to let go of control and tossed all the tips and tricks in the trash.

On December 19th I had a vsit with Dr. M and through tests we concluded I am not ovulating, I was low on both estrogen and progesterone. My stress levels were way too high and he recommends I consider cutting out a few things in my schedule and/or craziness of trying, and relaxing. In January I did a hormone panel that confirmed all our thoughts and decided on an action plan (wonky tests). My husband and I started working out and trying to eat healthier than we already did. I felt relaxed and trusted that in time the Lord would provide. He gave me such a peace and a sense of trust that I couldn't ever replace.

So that is just a minor little recap of the last year. It has been filled to over flowing with Goodness, Gods favor and love, it has also seen plenty of tears, loads of heartache, and hours on my knees asking the Lord for direction.  Just recently I was reminded of that Glorious season the Lord has promised me( to read that post click here). I firmly believe that those words that were promised are forever words, words that I will come to know and love and rely on in my walk. However, I know for certain my chapter of that season has come to a close.

Sufficiency: Learning to rely on the Lord and the Lord only to maneuver this messy life. Learning to let him carry me through and be my sole sustainer. My need for his presence was greatly refined through fire.

Restoration: Being refined completely stripped me of everything I thought I believed. He rebuilt me and redefined my faith and my whole relationship with Him. Not only was I restored spiritually, but emotionally I was healed, and even more miraculously, I was also physically healed. God used this full year to show my how much I needed a renewal of my mind and my life.

Redemption:
One year ago to the date of being told both tubes were 100% blocked I was greeted with the faintest of a positive pregnancy test.

a few short days later On 2/24 I was greeted with this:

As some may have read, the 24th will always be remembered as the day of the month I had lost both of our two babies that went to be with Jesus.

On 2/25 Beta Hcg- 206

Exactly one week later Beta Hcg - 6897
That same day, in the same office I was told of my ectopic with the same doctor who deemed me infertile,

Here's what we discovered:

Perfectly, healthy, tiny little peanut growing a head of schedule.

Am I terrified of telling people so early? YES. Do I allow myself to become overwhelmed with worry and fear? On occasion. But, I can't live and operate out of that. I have to believe that this is for my good and the Glory of God. He is to be praised in this circumstance. In my book, the Glory of God should always be revealed. I can't not shout it out the Goodness and Greatness of our God. His Miracles are for Me. His healing is for Me.