Who I am: I am the Righteousness of God by the Blood of Jesus. Need I say more?

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I am just a girl who is madly in love with Jesus. My hubby and I tied the knot in June of 2013. I love to sing, write, and worship. I am a lover of people, and my goal in life is to ensure those around me always know and see the Love of Jesus. I'm also one of the unlucky who have experienced loss, heartache, and the realities of the complications that come along with putting a bun in that oven. It's a wild ride, it's a fun ride, and I'd do it all over again if it meant I got to walk with Jesus even closer.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Blindsided....

Wow, time sure flies when you're having fun, huh?

Well, let me start off with this. I am fully aware that some who read this blog may stop visiting due to the pregnancy. I also will say that although I have been eagerly waiting the arrival of a pregnancy to blab about, I have more substance that that. My life doesn't only consist of baby, baby, and more baby. Although, it feels that way at times... So, I understand if you need to step away, but I hope that you stay.

The past week has been a blur. I don't know if it's because I am so tired that my spare time now consists of me staring off into space until I pass out, or if that's just what happens as you get older. Time just flies.

We had a minor freak, ok major freak out this week that lead my doctor to do another beta HCG blood test and required some rest and relaxation. This immediately prompted me to send out a please pray text to almost everyone I knew. I figure the more the better, right?

My beta done on 3/13 was 49,398 (Doubling time of 76 hours from my previous beta 9 days prior) -  it only took the Dr's office well over 24 hours to have a 4 minute conversation with me, over the phone. I was a little bit more than upset... talk about anxiety. I was always under the impression that the HCG was supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Which is semi correct. However, after talking to my doctor she assured me that the higher your numbers are, the longer it takes.... so I found this chart, reassuring me even more that my numbers are within normal range.....


Quick review
2/25 beta #1 - 206
3/4 beta #2 - 6897
3/13 beta #3 - 49,398

Apparently I'm pretty pregnant considering those numbers, haha! It feels a little surreal to say that.

After being assured my beta looks awesome she sent me to the urgent care to rule out a bladder infection. Well, low and behold, I had the start of one and was sent home with some antibiotics. Thankfully she instructed me to only take them if it gets worse, it may resolve on its own.

All that being said this week tested my faith. I did not realize how much I didn't trust that God will come through for me. I didn't trust that He is the sustainer of life, and it ain't over until He says it's over.  I was putting all my hope and trust in a simple number based off my blood. I also shut down. I didn't think I could handle another loss.. I didn't want to, so my defense kicked in and I completely shut off, leaving me numb, which really means overly emotional - umm hello tears. As I was laying in bed last night my mind kept drifting back to how I will handle the unexpected bumps and curves through this new adventure. How will I remind myself that the Lord is the one who is in control? How will I protect myself from believing the lies the enemy wants to pour into my thought life?

I don't have any answers, all I know to do is keep reminding myself who He has said He is. I guess this little hiccup that I was blindsided by, made me realize didn't learn much but I was made more aware of my need for Jesus even more than before.

I was talking with my sister-in-law all day yesterday, which I must add, was fantastic! After cheering, over text, that it was indeed the start of a bladder infection that was the culprit of my minor major freak out.  Here's a glimpse of what she said that brought a little more clarity to our situation:


That bastard fooled me again! I'm on the lookout now.... I'm on to him....I don't want my joy stolen from right underneath me! How dare I become a coward when our little one needs us the most! My husband gently reminded me on thursday as I sat numb in the car...

" Our baby deserves for us to fight for it (him/her)"

How dare I give up, or become afraid of the unknown. I must say, I am a little disappointed in my behavior and a little disappointed that I chose to throw my hands up and believe it was over. I'd like to excuse my behavior and say that after a few losses you can only expect to be let down... Or that the only rational way to proceed would be as cautious. I'll also admit that as soon as I saw even a tint of blood I immediately flashed back to my miscarriage, and the tests I took right after my surgery in July to prove to myself that the babe was actually gone... I was playing all the wrong mental movies. That is no excuse though.

My hope is in the Lord and I know that He will provide. I just momentarily gave up. Shame.on.me.

So, I move forward, feeling slightly silly for my behavior, but thankful that the Lord redeemed me anyway, and He had control anyway.

On another note, this little one turned 1 Thursday!


Isaiah -

This Auntie (and Uncle) loves you more than you know. Watching you grow to be such a little man at the tender age of 1 melts my heart. You are in good hands. Your Mommy and Daddy love you and want only the best for you. Our Prayer is you grow to love Jesus with everything in you, and you always know how good His plans are for your life. There is so much ahead of you!

Love you always,
M + C


My first little fur baby turned 2 on Wednesday!



Quick question: Should I do updates about the pregnancy, like cravings, symptoms, and all? I'm not sure how to incorporate all this... it's a whole new world! Feedback welcomed :)

XOX
Morgan

12 comments:

  1. Given your history I can understand why you would worry but trust God. He's holding that precious baby in his hand and forming s/he in your womb. I too worry over past experienced and Isaiah 43:18-19 was exactly the reminder I needed to let go. Get some naturally unsweetened cranberry juice to kill the bacteria without meds. Trader joes or whole foods has it. Praying for your sweet friend. Oh and I want to hear more about your pregnancy, I am delighted to celebrate with you.

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    1. Thank you Charity! I love Isaiah, it is my most favorite book! Thankfully I have been able to avoid the meds so far! I'll make sure to get some good cranberry juice. I also heard the tablets are good too! Ps. I love trader joes so I may have to make a trip :) xox

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  2. So happy your levels came back wonderful! Love your pictures & wishing you the absolute best going forward.

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  3. You have no idea how amazing it was to get your text of the new beta number :) God is so good and faithful!

    The seed will grow well, the vine will yield its fruit, the ground will produce its crops, and the heavens will drop their dew. ~Zech 8:12

    I am praying this scripture over you. I am resting in the assurance that you will seed (this child) will grow well and will yield on the vine (not miscarry). Love ya girl!!!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    1. Yes, yes! Amen! You are such a great friend! Love you!

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  4. Aw, don't be too hard on your good self---we all have moments of weakness, of losing faith and hope, it's impossible not to when you've experienced loss. Nothing to be embarrassed of. I'm so thrilled things are going well and am sure that this is your time! xo ~theunexpectedtrip

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    1. So true! However, I am so thankful I am aware of it so that I can continue to stand firm when faced with shaky ground! XOX Thank you sweet friend!!

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  5. Your numbers look really good!! I know it's so hard not to worry though. I think you should totally post anything you feel like posting! This is your blog and we are the lucky ones who get to read along and share in your journey. I would love to hear all about it!!

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  6. Congrats on the great betas! Glad you caught the bladder infection early too. Try not to be so hard on yourself for worrying. No one can be faithful 100% of the time. It's only natural to have the what-if's swirling, but just take notice and snap yourself back into grateful mode where you're thanking God for what you WANT to happen before it does. You've got this!

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  7. Oh Sweet Morgan, I am sorry for all the roller coaster emotions. How scary foe you and I am so happy all is well. Life is full of twists and turns and major freakouts. Whether with a pregnancy, a troubled child, a major disease, a death of a loved one --- hard things will happen to the last day of our lives here. But He will never leave us and if God is for us no one can be againat us. Hang in there! He has your back.

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  8. Congrats on your great betas! You've got to relish your pregnancy regardless of anyone else. I think you should do updates. :)

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