......John 3:30, and tale of two people learning to get through it all, and depending desperately on Jesus. A tale of two people learning the hard way, what it takes to expand our family.
There's this man in my life, I'd like to tell you about him.
He's all sorts of wonderful. He's gifted, strong, sensitive, quick to forgive, and quick to apologize. He's silly, and sweet. He's kind, but firm. He loves Jesus, and leads his family well.
He loves ( and I mean LOVES) kids....
He's so silly and is always down to take selfies in the car with me....
We have loads of fun..... He makes me laugh......A lot
When he does this, it melts me to the core.....
He's more than what I ever thought I 'd be blessed with. He's a major sports fan, and is loyal to his fav football team ( GO PANTHERS). He cheers loudly, and gives pep talks through the TV. He's never crabby for long, and can talk for hours. He's smart, he's sexy. He's Mine, all mine.
Today, It's his Birthday. I celebrate another year with him, I celebrate the man the Lord created. I celebrate the new seasons and blessings that will pour out on him.
June 29th, 2012 - The first time we celebrated his Birthday together... In Pullman
He's such a B.A , I love his tude....
Dearest Connor B,
You have the biggest heart I have ever seen. You have an amazing ability to be strong and sturdy through the storms. You have been gifted and blessed with knowledge and capabilities to teach the word and teach children. You are an amazing example of forgiveness and grace and persistence. You have been a solid rock, my best friend, and an example of love.
This year I am praying that the Lords presence increase in your life, that your story unfolds even more, and you allow the Lord to write out your purpose for His glory. I am praying that He uses you and fills your life with an abundance of joy and blessings. That your cup never runs dry and you draw near to the one who had knit you together so perfectly.
I admire your attitude and your heart of encouragement. Your passion for life, people, and the good Lord's creation is amazing. Although you are a toughie, your really a softy at heart. When you aren't looking, I watch you constantly and I love the way your mind just twirls constantly.
Through hell and high waters, through sickness and health, through good times and bad you have loved me more than I deserve and I am so thankful for the man you have grown to be and I am proud of the man you are becoming.
Happy Birthday, Love. I hope and pray that all your dreams come true.
I have been meaning to blog for a couple of weeks now and at the end of each day I crawl into bed and kick myself for not making the time to write. I've opted instead for a longer snuggle sesh with my man, or an extra hour of sleep. Heck, I've actually tried to think of one valid reason why I haven't posted anything. Then I look at my calendar and realize that I have simply just not had time and there have been many other important things that have taken priority.
Regardless, here I am finally making an effort to blog and this is the best I could come up with:
My weekend started with a Graduation Party for a sweet friend of mine, D! Congrats Girl, you ROCK
Little miss H and me chillin' on a Saturday night
Her cheeks kill me, every time
Little miss H's sister, loved chasing the cat around the yard, yes, that is a bat. I promise no harm was done :)
I had the pleasure of stealing her away for Sunday too! Lucky me :) She is so beautiful
This next one grabbed my attention while scrolling down Facebook. The night I saw this happened to be a Tuesday. For some reason I was feeling defeated and lonely and had an unexpected moment of grief and sadness. The past year had caught up to me and I sat in my car and cried and prayed and cried some more. Nothing was how I expect and EVERYTHING had changed. I was emotionally and physically and spiritually exhausted. I don't talk much about my cycles and I most likely will keep it that way, no one needs to know THAT much about me. But, I had realized that it had been exactly one year to the cycle that I got pregnant for the first time. June 20th, 2013 was CD1, and June 20th 2014 was CD1.... For some reason it just gutted me. ALL my memories came flooding back. When I saw this next picture, I was encouraged to just be me and allow God to love me where I am, and allow Him to continue His blessings and provisions in my life. I've been longing consistently for renewal, for grace and compassion. I fully believe and also expect Him to follow through and provide that in my life. It may not look the way I want, or feel the way I want, but He truly knows best, and that's more than enough for me. That's more than sufficient for me to be on my knees with open hands waiting to be renewed, continuously.
So why the Seasons of Change title huh?
Well, let me tell you, I believe fully that things are changing. I believe my Husband and I are in that renewal season, and here's why:
One, we are expecting huge miracles that stretch our faith more than we've dared to expect before. (I'm not ashamed to say that we are strictly praying for complete healing of my right fallopian tube and we fully believe that the next time we are pregnant it will be from that side and also our take home baby, and simply for His Glory. I am expecting Him to show off in a way that only He can.)
Two, We packed up our apartment and said good bye to our first home in belief that our new home was on it's way. I cried for a brief moment as I drove away, realizing that that little place was our home and all our "firsts" were in that place. The secrets those walls will keep for a lifetime are very bittersweet to me.
Three, God provided a new home for us and then some! We were doubly blessed with the new home that we were able to move forward with. They accepted our offer in less than 24 hours! Unfortunately the previous home did not work out the way we all wanted, but I firmly believe that God is still restoring us, and them, and the home for His glory! He has a purposeful plan!
Four, as we move forward and pray for wisdom in regards to a family, the Lord is changing the way we believe for things (kind of tied into #1), and the way we think things ought to be. This journey hasn't been easy, Connor and I didn't see eye to eye on some circumstances, and we are adapting into our calling as husband and wife, as well as what it's going to look like as a Mom and Dad. I am happy to know that when we don't see eye to eye, the Lord is gracious when we ask for wisdom to hear each other and know what His thoughts are on our circumstances.
Five, we are learning to adapt to how dramatically our lives have changed over the last year. I'm telling you, this has profoundly changed our marriage, for the better. I can't even begin to tell you the ways we've messed up and lashed out and forgiven each other (my husband is quite possibly the best forgiver, and the best hubby EVER). The picture of marriage and how we are to treat each other and support each other during the Good and the Bad and the worst of times has become a foundational lesson for us. I feel like although all this change has been extremely difficult it has its purpose and I am so thankful that I can see that and use these opportunities to grow and we can become One even more.
And for me, how much things, on the fertility side, have changed and impacted my life dramatically for the last 2 years, and especially the last several months. Learning to adapt to what's become a major part of me and my life and accepting it as a good thing, believe it or not.
It's been quite the wild ride and like I said, I am fully expecting change on all accounts for the better. We're morphing even more to look like Jesus and we are exchanging our old ways for new ways. Are we scared? YES! Are we nervous? Absolutely. Do we expect Good and BIG things? 100%!Everything has changed and been turned upside down, and although hard, it's been for the better, and it really is all for His Glory and for the first time since Colton left us, I am hopeful. I am encouraged. I am excited to see things only the Lord can accomplish.
A sweet friend of mine, Andi sent me this song, and I think it's fitting. We, I am willing to do whatever, if He asks me to. Simply because I know that I know that He will lead me through and it will be exactly what I need for my good and His Glory!
And a minor medical update: Anything with a * or Italics was updated. Thank you Lord for almost all tests coming back Normal!
*Karyotype - Normal ( I am happy to know that I am genetically sound, *Hubby - we went forward and decided to do his Karyotype, and his results also came back Normal, Praise God! *Lupus - Boarder line - After further review and a second opinion, My Lupus Antibodies are boarder line and will be monitored very closely. *Thyroid - Low indicating possible hyperthyroidism, getting second opinion. After the second opinion my Dr decided it would be best to monitor this closely as well.
*Anemia found in all labs since before pregnancy that was not treated, it has resolved, but will be monitored in the future Prothrombin - Normal Antithrombim - Normal
Vit D - Normal Factor V - Normal
Factor II - Normal
Diabetes tests - Normal Blood clotting disorders - Normal *Van Willebrand - Normal *Homocyseine - *Extremely Elevated - Treating with aspirin for the time being, then monitored closely
Protein S - Normal
Protein C - Normal Prolactin - Normal *MTHFR - **Compound Heterozygous MTHFR (click the title for more information on this specific type) - I am also a double carrier. My second opinion revealed that we will be treating this before, during, and after pregnancy.
Please be praying as I am still experiencing a minor side effect of the surgery (possibly small pieces of retained tissue from the placenta) and we will give it one more month before deciding if it will need treatment or not. I am electing to believe that no intervention will be needed and all will be healed.
Holy buckets life is FLYING right by me. I simply cannot believe that we are in June... And June is one of my favorite months! Why you ask? Well, my mother has come to visit the last 2 years in June.
A successful trip to ULTA only happens if you happen to try ALL the makeup on your hand!
I have been wanting to start wearing more bold colors on my kisser. I found a great red by Smash Box called Legendary. I was so sad when we found out it was sold out. So instead I went on the hunt for the next best thing. Fortunately I still brought home some Smash Box gloss to wear alone or over the lip stick. I love it!
We got lucky with warm weather and a shopping trip for some new clothes, I love clothes. Then we ended the night at one of our most favorite places, The Elk. If you are ever downtown, that is a fabulous place to eat, indoors or outdoors.
I saved this for last, even though it was part of our shopping day, but I am IN LOVE with this polish. I have always loved the ULTA brand, but this color! My oh my, it is awesome! The only down side is it takes 3 coats and it was tacky for longer than I expected. In the future I will certainly have to remember this to avoid smudges and dings. Bonus, the polish was on sale for $2 a piece.
My other, and most favorite reason why I love June is because.... It's our Anniversary! 6.8.13 was quite possibly one of my most favorite days ever. Our wedding was absolutely flawless in every way possible.
We laughed, we cried and we celebrated hard! My dress was my mothers that I restyled and surprised her with. I also wore her veil as well. I couldn't have asked for a better day. At the end of the party my Husbands friends tossed him in the river. I was less than pleased at first, then got over it!
As we close this chapter and open the next there are so many amazing things the Lord is doing and new beginnings coming. As we pack up our first home and move on to the next chapter we are overwhelmingly blessed by the goodness and graciousness of the Lord. Although this year didn't look as we thought, it still exceeded my expectations.
My last Celebrating Life post was so much more full of hope! This one, not so much. I find myself wrestling with much.
I am wrestling with the stark difference between the last due date and this one. I had hope because I felt that it was all redeemed and made whole. I had hope because there was new life! This due date, I am slightly baffled and extremely sad about the circumstances that have made their way into our home. I'm giving it my all to celebrate what was, but it's not nearly as joyful.
Tomorrow I celebrate Baby B#2, and reflect on what he/she would have been, what he/she would have looked liked. I choose to thank the Lord that He is caring for him/her.
I almost feel guilty that I don't have much more to say. You see, the things I have been wrestling with act as a barrier, or as my pastor put it today, a pair of dead batteries. I'm running on empty. I've hit a road block and I keep barging into it thinking just maybe I'll break through.
Today during worship we sang a song that goes a little like this:
Freedom reigns in this place,
showers of mercy and grace,
they are falling on every face,
there is freedom.
During this song it was said that in Christ we are free from our pain, free from our sorrow and worries of this world. I have never really struggled with believing that statement before. But the heaviness of losing 3 babes in just under a year makes me wonder how do I operate in that freedom? How do I successfully battle the ideas that I am being punished, or perhaps unfavored by the Almighty? How do I just toss out my pain and walk in that freedom, what does it even look like? I've even gone as far as to feeling hated by the one who made me.... Where do I find this freedom, because I've certainly cried out more times that I can count to take this burden or at the very least take the pain that seems to sink right into the bottom of my lungs.
Silence.
At first I felt like maybe the silence was because He was working on something, but then it stayed quiet. So, then I decided I should pray more and listen harder, but then it stayed quiet. So now I am left baffled and stranded in my own head, and it's silent. Like everything has been turned off.
Knock, knock... Lord, are you there?
I find myself marching along with mostly dead batteries determined to find the Life source to get plugged into. It's a straight up battle, and one I am not afraid to fight, as I've fought this battle before. This time, I am just a little more weak, I'm a little more tired, and this time the fight in me longs for freedom more than I have ever needed it before. I can only think of one song that could be my anthem...
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
When I don't feel like it, I sing. When I don't know what else to do, I keep marching forward. I rejoice even when it takes every ounce of energy I have. He is still God, and I trust that He is still good, even when I don't see it, even when I don't feel it.
