I had a sweet friend of mine ask me how I am able to share, and not be afraid, or share without feeling overly vulnerable. At first my reaction was that it was easy. As I tried to remember each moment I pressed 'publish', I remembered the fear and anxieties of opening my life up to the world.. Every.Single.Time. I realized that it only felt easy because of one single answer.
For me this blog started off as a way to communicate all the words I felt I couldn't say. for weeks it felt like I was silenced, through my spoken voice, and I desperately needed a way to get those words out, especially to my Husband. I remember the first few blog posts I wrote. I would come to him and read them to him. I would get halfway through the post with a giant knot in my throat then the second half I would just cry. Tears wouldn't stop, so eventaully I would hand over the computer or phone and let him finish reading. I wanted him to hear me. I needed someone to know what was going on in my head. The enemy was trying so hard to keep me strapped down, broken, voiceless. My husband, he was so patient and understanding. He helped me edit and spell check :) It was a sweet, sweet gift he gave me during those dark months.
The second reason was that after reading so many blogs I had a (seriously) hard time finding God centered faith based blogs, and I had a hard time finding blogs where people had been where I had been and still serving, trusting, and hoping in a good and faithful God. I still have yet to find another person (blog) related to ectopic pregnancy. That really pushed me forward and a little more eager to share my story. I am thankful that eventually I found a whole community of faith based blogs. I wanted people, or just (one) someone to know that they are not alone. I needed them to know that there are, not only woman who have been there, but a God who SERIOUSLY loves them, even in their questioning and in their pain. I also know that women are desperate to read someones misery, hardships, struggles, loss, success. It makes us feel connected. It helps us see that we are normal. I had a girlfriend say, just last night, she actually enjoyed every now and then that someone would use Facebook to discuss what crazy, abnormal thing their child is doing. She said that most the time she feels like she could write, " Oh my gosh, my kid does that too!"
I feel like in this community, we are wanting that same connection. "Oh my gosh, I have felt that before! I've wondered about ________, I'm not alone!"
The third and most important piece about why I do what I do is because I believe I was created to be a "fool" for Jesus. I was created to NOT be ashamed of the testimony of His Glory and Power in my life. All this garbage I have been through, and all the garbage my readers have been through, is just preparation to make the outcome of the story shocking, to display the impossible to possible in my life ONLY through Him. So being vulnerable and putting myself out there is a Huge stretch, and it's far from easy, but I (we, as Christ Followers) are called to not be comfortable ( I don't know about you, but this whole journey is quite uncomfortable), we are called to be overly zealous in our faith, we are called to do the ridiculous things and be fools to show His glory and spread His Kingdom. I felt that sharing, through means of a blog, was the least I could do to give Him credit for the miracles He's doing in my life.
The last year + of my life has been one of constant trial, constant stretching, and constant stripping of everything I've ever known and believe. It's been tremendously difficult, and dark but I believe whole heartedly that I was, and am created to share my story. Am I any good at sharing my particular story? Maybe not. Do I completely suck at editing, and typing? Sometimes... Yes! But, He asked and I said Yes, I am willing. I believe that's what we are all called to do. Sometimes it just looks different in other's lives. Some write, some sing, some race bikes, some use their testimonies in a million different avenues. We just have to keep saying Yes when He opens a door to share it. Whether it's through a blog, a book, racing, dancing, or work. I've found if you keep saying Yes you will find the vulnerability oddly comfortable and comforting. That's when He's able to do the MOST work in our lives. We have to have open hands to receive the courage and receive the grace and receive the boldness He alone can give.
Our God is not a comfortable God. He is not safe. He is risky, and bold, and has bigger plans then we will ever understand. It's risky to love Him, and it's risky to choose to be Loved By Him. But, it's by far the best investment you will ever make.
For me, it wasn't easy, but I chose to step into what He asked of me.
This weekend I was completely humbled. At church we talked about the friends, in Mark 2, who knew their friend who was paralyzed needed to see Jesus desperately. They did everything and anything they could to get him in front of Jesus. They just knew that once he was in front of Jesus he would be healed. completely. We are always told that being desperate is a bad trait, and something to be avoided. However, if we aren't desperate, we wouldn't do whatever it costs to get to Him. I feel the same, in a round about way, about this blog. I am so desperate to get myself, my readers, my friends, and most importantly my family so close to Jesus because I want to see them be healed.
Des - per - ate
(of a person) Having a great need or desire for something.
"I am desperate for......."
Synonyms: in great need of, urgently requiring, in want of; More.
I want to be "that friend" who is willing to do, say, or type anything to get you just that much closer to our Creator. I am sacrificing my privacy and my time because it's that worth it to me to write out what Jesus is doing in my life. I need him, and I know that my friends and family NEED Him. If that means, that me saying Yes to him, will get someone, or myself closer to the Almighty Healer, the Savior, the King of all Kings, I will do it. And I will continue to say Yes to what He asks of me.
This is why I do what I do. So, when I fall to my knees in adoration I am met by a King who loves me, and Loves you just the same. It's worth it to me to be a fool.