Through It All

 

This whole week I have been singing this song. I've had a similar song stuck in my head before, as some might recall. I posted the old hymn on here right before I announced on my blog that I was pregnant with our sweet Colton, I was so at peace and content with what God was doing, at least in that moment.

 

No, I am not pregnant. Actually I've been greeted with more waiting and crappy CD3 tests suggesting DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), looks like I may have the ovaries of a post menopausal woman at the tender age of 26 (almost 27, September baby!!).

 

But recently I've been called to believe in Victory this year. I am certain that this was for a purpose. God's just in the business of writing a really good story and apparently mine might be one to watch. Or I could possibly be trying to write my own story and so far it seems too big to be true and far to grand for my human self, it's a cool story with the culmination ending in major Victory. I've always been under the impression that if it seems too big for my flesh to accomplish it's more than likely a God sized dream. My dreams lately are a little confused, it's like I'm in the process of being completely reorganized in my God sized dreams and goals and ambitions.

 

What's crazy is this song has been on repeat in my head for days, well before I received an unwanted report or discouragement in the face of desperately wanting to create a family. I've realized that MY story isn't really about me at all. It's really only about God making something and someone so broken, both physically and emotionally, whole. That it's simply only because of Him that we walk in Victory, and that things are made right, and we've been redeemed in our suffering. THAT is what's important. My story isn't about me, but about the One who wants us so desperately in His presence. It's about His ability, His character, His promised, and most importantly, His forever Kingdom. I'd so much like to make it really about me, and let's be honest, it STILL sucks that the terrible news, and bad reports keep comin' in like it's the cool thing to do, to drag little Morgan down. But, I've been given the word Victory not as a mistake. I think what makes this journey so worth it are the tiny, quiet little promises I get to experience. As much as I'd like them to show up in big firework displays and in-your-face type situations, I know that this is NOT a mistake. Come on Lord, where's my burning bush, pillar of Fire, or heck, a white horse coming for my rescue?

 

Victory.

 

Because I stand in Victory, not of my own, I can say with such confidence:

 

 Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

 Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

 Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

 Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

 So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

 

My hope is that this encourages you. Persistence, hope, but most importantly, Victory. Believe it, receive it, accept it.

 

I believe that what this song speaks of is truth, and that for your sake God will toss that mountain deep into the sea. The waves and wind still know His name and because He loves you, It is well.

 

 

Bronson Bear and Renovations

Many of my friends and family know that I had a wonderful Rottie that ended up staying with my ex, Jer, before I started dating my husband. That was possibly the hardest good bye I've ever had to do (the pup, not the ex).

This week I got news that at the tender age of 3.5 years old he died from Cancer. It was a very aggressive form of cancer and from start to finish it only took about 3 months to completely take over his entire body. I am so thankful that Jer told me. Although I could have gone without talking to him (ever!), I was happy to know that he knew how much Bronson meant to me, and felt that I should know.

Bronson was my best friend, my companion, my bud. He went everywhere with me, I put in countless hours training him and loving him. He saw a lot of tears and made me laugh constantly. When I felt alone in that relationship, I knew that my pup would be there through thick and thin. He was the very first dog I ever owned.

Upon receiving that news I sat in my car and cried. I have experienced so much loss this year and have said countless goodbyes over my short life, I was so sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him that day that Jer put him to rest. He did agree to send me a more recent picture of our Pup and also agreed to send me a picture of his urn and keep me updated on what he will do with Bronson's ashes. I loved that pup with all I could give and he never failed to give me love back.

(this one is not great quality but the first week I brought him home)

My Bronson Bear, I have missed you and I will always miss you. I know for certain you are up there with Baby Brooks 1 and 2 and taking care of Colton, holding down the fort. You were always protective over me, and I just know you are making sure my little ones are safe.

Love you always, Me

This last weekend I had big plans to paint and get our 3rd bathroom/laundry room ready and painted for the delivery of our washer and dryer. When my hubs tore off the baseboards we found the dreaded black mold. Lucky us, it wasn't nearly as bad as we thought it was or could have been. So the money we had planned on spending on remodeling the master bathroom went straight into this bathroom. This was the only "Before" picture I have, and as you can tell it's in the process of being ripped apart. I am getting super excited about the finished product. As this room was poorly done by the previous owners, and half finished, we are now able to finish it completely and make it look 10000x better! I'm certain my next post will more than likely include the finished product.

Don't worry, we tore down the awful curtains! The vanity is actually in decent condition so my next project is to sand that bugger and paint it, replace the counter top and hardware/faucet. Instead of putting the grubby old mirror that was on there we will put up a new mirror and it will be a lot more simple. I am very excited, even though it was an unexpected expense. 

This last week has been packed full! We had VBS from 6-9pm each night and it flew by! We also ran into a speed bump with our newest addition, Jamus, he ended up getting a staph infection up into his kidneys, so a few rounds of antibiotics are in our future. I was so concerned for him and after news about my little Bronson I was not ready to say another goodbye to a tiny little puppy. Of course the infection is rather serious, he should recover just fine, so my poor brain had gone straight to the worst case scenario.  

(He actually loves everyone at the vet!)

God is faithful, he knows our needs, and knows our desires. He'll care for us, and care for my little fur babies. Although it's been seemingly stressful I am actually quite at peace knowing that He is a provider and at peace remembering that He has always been faithful through everything and knowing that He will remain faithful through whatever is next.....

 However, I do feel that a pedicure should be in my near future. Yep, that's it!! A Pedicure. (Hear that hubs, I think I NEED it ;) )

Anniversary... ok, well it's tomorrow!

On 8/7/2013 I was still recovering from the loss of our first pregnancy and desperately searching for someone who had experience with ectopic pregnancies, that was a believer and had the perfect insight to what I needed and when. Well, of course I never found one and that began the journey of God whispering to me that it was time for me to start sharing my experiences with a little bit of life thrown in there. I was super hesitant at first. I don't particularly like that my life has been public and I, personally, have seen it to just be a show to be watch, entertaining at best. But, I think through it all I have been made more transparent, I have learned to communicate more effectively and clearly. I have learned that my life has been made a public testimony of God's craftsmanship and works. I haven't really liked much of the circumstances He has chosen to grow me, but it has worked. I've seen clearly my short comings, my downfalls, my strengths and will power to overcome. It's been a long season of refinement by fire and I will say I have been desiring a new season. Being plagued by jealousy, fear, and anger (and best of all healing!) for well over a year has been exhausting and I know that there is freedom from it. I've experienced it previously with my other losses, but this time, it's different. I avoid people who are close to me, I find that I actually feel hatred in my heart that for some people the simple act of child bearing is seemingly easy for them and worry/stress free. The first two losses I was two steps forward one step back and made loads and loads of progress, this time, it's ten steps backwards and two steps forward. I'm ready for Victory, I'm ready for freedom.

Recently in my counseling we discussed this issue and she had asked me why I just can't relax and not care and not be so upset about it all anymore. Why is it so difficult for me to go back to how I was before we got pregnant for the first time? I thought to myself long and hard and couldn't come up with an answer, and I realized that I felt that it was an unfair question. How does one experience life and death and be exactly the same? How does one have not just one, but three losses, and not worry that your womb has become a tomb for the dead? How does one not care anymore about the little lives that lived in me for any length of time? If I could I would certainly go back to accepting the fact that I was deemed completely infertile and would need IVF to achieve any glimmer of hope in regards to expanding our family. I had fully accepted that diagnosis and was confident in the story that God had presented me with. That time in my life, although it saw it's moments of tears, it was much easier to navigate than RPL (repeat pregnancy loss). I would certainly love to be stress and worry and care free, although that would make me less human and more robot. I can't go back, as much as I would like to, I feel it's impossible to go back and not be affected by the events over my blogging year.

I never once imagined this is what my life would look like, and I never imagined that I would actually come away from all this feeling as if I survived a major catastrophe. But in my survival, it's been just that. I survived. Yet, I crave more than just that. I want more of Him, I want a deeper more meaningful relationship with the One who actually planned this life out for me. I want to know that all the things to come are carefully thought about and He has planned to protect me from here on out.

As I reflect back on the past year I see a lot of hope, a lot of good things, and a lot of heartache and a solid amount of tears. I'm praying over this website and myself that this next year will be the year of triumph and victory. Joy and rejoicing.

In fact I think I want this next year to be a year that I focus on Victory. I know without a doubt that He has good things planned and I expect that, however I desire Victory in the face of my struggles. I want to stand from a place of Victory when I'm in a pit that I can't seem to crawl out of yet. On 4/24/14 God had promised me a new ministry and I still don't know what that's going to look like but I do know that if I continue to walk in His will that something will come up, and if I'm walking in victory I know that He will use my testimony for the good of those around me. I haven't forgotten what He's promised and I want to hold Him to his word. I'm depending on that promise with everything in me.

So this year I have had 62 published posts, a total of 22,791 views and 344 comments with a whopping total of 24 followers. You 24 followers have sure been supportive  ;)

On another note, the Hubs and I are finally moved into our new home. However, I will add that we are still surrounded by loads of boxes and a bigger mess than what we started with. I think it's probably just going to take time. It's nice to start to see little by little some rooms start to come together. This weekend I am painting the laundry room and hopefully the accent wall and dresser for the master bedroom. There is so much work to be done and cleaning, and I think my list could go on and on. Our biggest hurdle has been the pool. The previous owners neglected to clean during escrow. Thus leaving us a HUGE mess upon moving in. It's taken us (and when I say us, I really mean the husband) just over a week to get it somewhat started and we have yet to make it swimmable. I am not sure if they just got lazy or what. They claimed to had been busy, but maintaining an already clean pool during the 45 day escrow couldn't have taken THAT much time out of the day. It's certainly been aggravating, especially since it's been SO hot. A nice swim at night after work would be amazing! Hopefully this weekend we will have it ready to rock and roll.

 

This right here shows me how great of a daddy my hubs will be. It melts my heart to know and watch everyday with everyone else's kids how much he LOVES them and all the little ones. His love for his nieces and nephews just blow me away.

 

And these toes are my favorite right now, I wish I had the emoji with the heart eyes to adequately show my gaga eyes over this girl. Tiny little feet on a little one who is growing far too fast, and it needs to slow down, please!

 

 

Walk in Victory!