Thank You..

First I want to say thank you all for such sweet comments and such a huge out pour of love and support. When I am having an especially hard moment I open up my email and read all the comments and texts and FB messages. Somehow, it helps me feel like I am not so alone... Keeps me sane for at least another few minutes.

I don't really have many words right now. But, I can tell you the surgery went very well. I was only under anesthesia for about 35-40 mins. The doctor who did the procedure was kind enough to agree to do one last ultrasound and doppler reading before we started. I had some hope that just maybe it was a mistake. However, the baby still had no cardiac activity and had actually gotten smaller since Wednesday. My body was definitely starting to realize something wasn't right. The Doc came and spoke to me while in recovery and she was kind enough to share her own struggles with me and offer a little bit of hope for the future. We have opted to do all the genetic screenings on the baby as well as on myself and my husband. The Doctor had also shared her opinion that surgery was the best option I could have picked. Apparently I had an abnormal amount of tissue and blood stored up there that would have caused a tremendous amount of pain and she thought it would have taken me 6-8 weeks to finish the miscarriage naturally, and even then she said it may have ended up with a D & C anyway.

I was relieved when it was over, however there was not enough pain medication or sedation to keep me from being in hysterics upon waking. The staff at the hospital I was at gave me the best care any girl could ask for. Each person was sensitive to me and sensitive to the reason I was there.

I am truly at a loss, and I imagine that there will be some silence from me while I process and listen to the direction the Lord wants us to go. My Post-Op is May 8th and I am sure I will have more answers then.

On Thursday morning while I was cleaning and preparing our little home for me to recover in I was listening to worship music. It brought me comfort in the weirdest way. I knew that the Lord was with us, cleaning, washing dishes, folding piles of laundry, vacuuming every corner of the house.... Over and over again all I could hear in reply to my questions thrown up into the Heavens was this..." This is building your Ministry.... This is going to change your ministry"...

I am so thankful my Father loves me enough to let me in to see that there is, most certainly, a bigger picture. I know right now I can't see it, and I know right now I am too blinded by tears to want to see it... But it's there, and He has promised me that. Because of that, I have hope... It might not look pretty today, or tomorrow or maybe even next week or next month, but I have hope.

Here are a few answers to a few questions I have been asked:

When are you going to start trying again?
     Honestly we don't have an answer to that. The doctor suggested we wait 3 full cycles before we try anything. For us personally, we are scared to try again... For now, it's in God's hands and we are only taking it one day at a time. I would like to know more about all our genetic testings before trying again, although if God says that there will be a baby, there will be a baby, no matter what... Trying or not trying...

Why haven't you considered adoption?
     Well, we feel that God has really promised us a child of our own. I have always wanted to adopt however, I just don't think right now is the right time. Neither of us have had a strong conviction that it should happen now. We fully trust that we will be told what direction to go.

How are you doing?
    We are a mess. We are simply only ok because we are glued to the author of life. I really appreciate this question, but for right now just assume we aren't ok. If you feel the need to ask us, maybe just ask us what our needs are, and how you can pray specifically. I know I can say this for me, but as for my husband, I am not even sure what he prefers.

Be gentle with us. Be kind and keep praying.

11 weeks 4 day Update

This will be short...

Baby Brooks #3 went to be with Jesus at 9 weeks gestational age. I was diagnosed with a Missed Miscarriage today after a short episode of light bleeding and spotting. It was confirmed that Baby Brooks had no cardiac activity and hadn't grown but a few centimeters.

I will have a D&C on Friday afternoon.

Please keep us in your prayers.

XOX
Morgan

Rolling my stones away

This Sunday we hit on a very awesome topic. One that just likes to penetrate you deep down into the pit of who you are.

Jesus and Lazarus.

I had always seen this story as one with a great message of Jesus bringing him back to life and applied it to healing, which is so true and awesome! There was something different about it this week though. Something that was brought to my attention, was the rate at which our bodies decay once death has occurred, and how Lazarus was in the grave for what? 4 days! They were hesitant to roll that stone away cause he had been dead long enough that there might just be a nasty stench.

How often am I unwilling to roll the stone away on my hidden sin and battles because I am afraid they might stink? It's often said that many people believe that they need to 'Fix themselves up' before coming to Jesus, or church. But doesn't that completely make Jesus, and what he did on the cross, invalid? Or unimportant? I mean, He died so that when I roll away my stones and reveal the deaths that have occurred inside my soul, the stink of my sin wouldn't stink so much....

I can't help but realize the stinkiness that has been in my life. And the fact that I have been too prideful or too ashamed to roll that stone away is concerning. If I want to live a life that is free indeed, I need not worry about the stench. Jesus sure isn't judging me on how bad my sin stinks. He's thinking, "Yup, you stink... Let ME fix it".

One of my biggest stinky battles right now is the lack of being joyful over a much desired pregnancy. I sound horrible admitting it. I know it. However, my fears over the what if's and could be's are so overwhelming, that I find myself hiding from the joy I so long for, hiding from even trying to bond with the little one growing inside me. I find myself hiding in fear. I allowed a bondage of fear to sneak in and remind me of my past experiences and I've believed the lies that this just might end like the others... I've been held captive inside a grave. A grave that I dug myself, not even noticing what I was doing.

Another stinky tomb I find myself in is adequacy. Or lack thereof. I find I feel not good enough for my husband, or guilty for not completing my devotional times, or not doing them at all. I have a whole new drippy faucet right now telling me that I suck because I can't seem to get my butt out of bed before work to read and journal. And when I come home, I am a bump on a log wanting to let my face hang in the toilet.

The enemy has completely taken this amazing God given experience and thrown me in the slimy pit.

"What kind of mother do you think you'll be? You can't even care for your home right now!"

"See, you can't love Jesus the right way.... He doesn't love you now that you can't seem to get a whole devotional in."

" You are a crappy wife, what kind of wife can't stand the smells in the kitchen? Your job is to make dinner for your husband."

Yes, I know these are all lies. And to you, they may sound silly...But these are all lies that I have believed for the last 10 weeks. My shame for wanting to hide them in the dark and bury them away in a tomb has made me stinky.

Each morning, when I rise and am reminded that I failed yet again to get out of bed on time... I can hear Jesus' small voice saying,

"Morgan, Come Forth".

Jesus doesn't mind my stench. He loves me all stinky-like. My Father wants to bring life and light back into the dead places and turn off the drippy faucets. You see, He weeps when I am broken, He weeps when I am lost, He weeps when I try and hide my sin and stench. Just like He wept for the death of Lazarus, He weeps for the deaths inside of me.

I am humbled, I am broken, and only He can provide what I need to stand on solid ground again. Only He can fix the stink that comes from inside me. Oh to roll away my stones and be raised back to life. Oh how desperate I am for Jesus.

So, I have a heavy heart. I refuse to be defeated though. I am choosing to put on my armor and remind myself that I am the one Jesus loves. Really, that's all that matters! It doesn't matter how well I read my bible every day (although I believe it is VERY important), it doesn't matter how well I pray! None of my performance matters... I am the one Jesus loves.

And I choose Jesus.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Signs/Symptoms: Not much has changed since my last post. Bloating, for sure bloating. ('ll share a picture for proof) I have fully convinced myself that by the end of the day I could pass as having a major bloat bump. Still nauseous throughout the day, but it is getting MUCH better, thank you Lord! Pretty fatigued still, and some other normal symptoms.

 

Morning sickness: Gag, gag, gag.... Still, I thought I was getting better, but I guess it comes and goes.

Weight gain/loss: At my last appointment I was down 3 pounds. I haven't weighed myself, but because I have been able to eat a little more I may be back up those 3 pounds.

 

Cravings/aversions: Pretty much the same...Anything SUPER cold, and any drinks LOTS of crushed ice! There is a local coffee shop that has Bagel Sandwiches loaded with cheese and cream cheese and ham, then you heat it up nice and hot..... YUM, oh my gosh, I could eat that 3x a day. Bring on the SALT baby! Vitamin Water is definitely doing the trick for me!

 

Best Moment: Ah, I am going to be replaying my little video and staring at my pictures until my next appointment.  (175 beat per minute! Wow...I got a million pictures and even a handful in 3D! I was amazed! Coming home and sharing all this news with my Husband and watching his eyes light up, amazing! Worth every tear, every heartache. I love that man something fierce!)


 

My Little Cashew

Today has been by far the most surreal moment of my life. Never once did I imagine that I would be lucky enough to experience any of this. I was truly held captive by the label I was given - Infertile. This has proven to me that I am no longer bound by any titles, and My Lord and Savior is much more Majestic and Holy and Profoundly present in my every moment.

It's a super short video and really hard to see, but if you can watch closely you can see his/her little flickering heart!!

This little one is showing off a quick Fetal Heart Rate of 175. A heart beat! A living breathing little one specifically created for a divine purpose and loved more than my little words can express. I have never experience a heart beat before, it is the most humbling experience. I am speechless!

Our little one is measuring at 8 weeks and 3 days, which is way different than I expected but they have assured me that is it perfectly healthy and his/her growth rate is 85.6% and a crown to rump length of 1.96cm! In four short weeks this cashew (as my dear friend L named it) grew from .13cm to 1.96cm! WOW, isn't that amazing!? My heart could explode, the miracle of life.... Speechless I tell you! I keep giggling and am in shock that this is actually happening.... this is real... It's still early, but wow! 

So for those of you interested here's my update:

Signs/Symptoms: Bloating, for sure bloating. I have fully convinced myself that by the end of the day I could pass as having a bump. Still nauseous throughout the day, but it is getting MUCH better, thank you Lord! Pretty fatigued still, and some other normal symptoms. 

Morning sickness: Gag, gag, gag.... But like I said, getting soo much better!

Weight gain/loss: According to the OB visit today I have lost 3 pounds. She isn't concerned thankfully!

Cravings/aversions: Anything SUPER cold, and any drinks LOTS of crushed ice! There is a local coffee shop that has Bagel Sandwiches loaded with cheese and cream cheese and ham, then you heat it up nice and hot..... YUM, oh my gosh, I could eat that 3x a day. Vitamin Water is definitely doing the trick for me!

Best Moment: 175 beat per minute! Wow...I got a million pictures and even a handful in 3D! I was amazed! Coming home and sharing all this news with my Husband and watching his eyes light up, amazing! Worth every tear, every heartache. I love that man something fierce!