I shall be made well

In Mark 5 it recounts the story of the woman with the issue of blood. For 12 long years she was an outcast, lonely, and deemed unclean. Then she heard about Jesus. She started hearing stories of His miracles and her heart lept. She knew- that if she could just get close enough to touch the hem of his robe she would be made well. 

So often I feel like I can relate to this woman. For years I had my own ailments, heck I still have sickness and disease that plagues my body. There are moments when I feel like I wish I could just touch him, even just the hem of his robe. 

I tend to forget that when Jesus left this world, he left a gift for us. His Holy Spirit. I tend to forget he left more than just one gift for us, his word. Tangible, living, breathing gifts. Something I dare say is similar to the hem of his robe. Something I dare say has just as much power and just as much ability to provide healing, comfort, peace, and redemption. 

So often I get distracted with what I wish would be, how I wish I had access to Him, or that if I could just touch Him everything would change. This distraction leads me so far astray that I even forget that He came to make a way for me to have access to all of that. It's so simple but I get in the way of myself and am blinded by the seemingly impossible. 

A little bit further in Mark chapter 8 it retells the miracle of Jesus healing the blind man. In this story we're told that Jesus had to touch him twice in order for his sight to be fully restored. This is so purposeful. I was reminded that at any one time in our life we may have been able to see more than we can right now- but because of Jesus and his healing power we can have our sight restored. I was made aware through Jesus' healing of this man that our restoration may not come all at once. Just like the blind man. Sometimes we may need a few healing touches from Jesus in order to get a clearer perspective. 

This story captures a rather interesting detail. Jesus use spit. Saliva. Um- gross. Once reflecting on this truth, I was so ready and willing to ask my Father (for lack of a better term) spit on me until I'm made whole. If that's what it takes, I want it. And Lord, while you're at it, don't stop at just the one time- make it constant. A faucet of Jesus poured out on me. I'll take it. I've never been so fond of spit until now. 

Relating to these two stories I realize that I fully resemble these two, in need of healing. In need of an intervention by the King who was gracious enough to make a way for me to gain access to all of it thousands of years down the road. Because of his blood, because of his Holy Spirit, because of his miracles, because of his shameful death, I have complete access to recieve his healing touch. I have gained a way to touch a piece of his robe, I have the ability to allow his healing touch, and not just once or twice- but for as many touches it takes to make me whole. 

What I love about all this, is it applies to EVERYONE. 

YOU are the beloved you are the one he loves.

2 Corinthians 5:18-21

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

There are so many stories of Jesus being a healer. Another amazing example is this:

Luke 5:12-13

While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with Leprosy. 

When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, 

"Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. 

"I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" 

Immediately the leprosy left him.

Then Jesus ordered him, "Don't tell anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them."

Yes the news about him spread all the more, so crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. 

You guys- the Great I am, the great physician is on call 24/7! What I love about this is Jesus first states that he is the "I am", and directly following this he describes his character- willing.

The Great I Am is Willing. 

The alpha, the omega, the great I am, the Begining and the End, is willing.

This is more than enough to bring me to my knees, flat on my face, boldly seeking and asking of The Lord. 

I wait in hope and expectation and confidence that He will show up- and he is always willing because that's who he is and that's never changed, nor will it ever change. 

If only I may touch his clothes, I shall be made well....

Access.

Restoration.

Healing.

Impossibilities- to completely possible.

Awards I've never heard of, but they're fun anyway, right!?

Liebster Award

Yay! Well, this is a fun little exciting tid bit to be involved with in the blogging world. Is it huge? No. Is it something to put on my resume? Probably not. But it certainly makes a girl feel pretty good about life. Elisha, over at www.waitingforbabybird.com has nominated me. Thank you for thinking of me! 

So, without further ado, here are my answers as an acceptance of this fun little Award. 

1.  Imaginiff you were a section in the newspaper.  Which would you be and why?

• Editorial
• Sports
• Weather
• Crossword Puzzle

If I were in the newspaper I would be a crossword puzzle. Probably because I typically can't ever finish a whole one myself. I've always wanted to be able to work one start to finish and I always love all the fun answers. However, I am never quite 'in the know' about enough to actually complete one. So if I can't beat it, I'll be it!

2.  Imaginiff you were a high school class.  Which would you be and why?

• Biology
• Detention
• Gym
• Political Science
• Creative Writing

If I were a high school class I would choose to be Biology. I love science. 

I mean, after all that information, how can you not want to be a biology class?

3.  Imaginff you were one of Snow White’s dwarfs.  Which would you be and why?

• Bashful
• Dopey
• Grumpy
• Happy
• Sleepy

Easy - Sleepy. Enough Said. 

4.  Imaginiff you were in high school.  Which would you be voted for and why?

• Most Athletic
• Class President
• Homecoming Queen
• Funniest
• Most School Spirit

Okay, let's go back to my 'Glory days'.. I was once Prom Queen, and being a Queen of anything isn't really all that awesome. So I would have to go with being the Funniest. Probably because I'd like to think I am hilarious, but really, I'm not all that funny. 

5.  Imaginiff you were a hot dog condiment.  Which would you be and why?

• Ketchup
• Mustard
• Diced Onions
• Relish
• Jalapenos

Relish. I love pickles. In any shape or form. :)

6.  Imaginiff you were a snack food.  Which would you be and why?

• Snickers
• Potato Chips
• Skittles
• Jell-o Pudding
• Slim Jim
• Twizzlers

Easy, I would be chips in a heart beat. I love chips. It's my downfall all the time. I just love the saltiness and the textures. Mmmm, I LOVE Chips. This question certainly inspired me to go grab a bag of Buffalo Bleu Kettle Chips. YUM.

ps. these are my fav(oh.emmmmm.geeeee, I love them):

7.  Imaginiff you were a weather forecast.  Which would you be and why?

• Hot and humid
• Tornado warning
• Light drizzle and fog
• High Pressure
• Sunny and mild
• Cold front

Hot and Humid, definitely. I think I would thrive in the desert. I love heat, I love humid. Bring it on baby. I was super lucky and was able to visit Kenya and Uganda in 2009 and I will tell you that I absolutely loved it. It was HOT and so so humid. Someday I want to go back and soak in all the goodness it offered. It sure didn't agree 

with my hair (POOF).

 

8.  Imaginiff you were a dessert.  Which would you be and why?

• Angel Food Cake
• Fruitcake
• Banana Split
• Devil’s Food Cake
• Lemon Cake

It depends on the season. Mid Summer I would be Angel Food Cake. It's light and fluffy and full of yummy goodness. But any other season, I would actually prefer none of those options. Brownie Balls filled with Chocolate sauce and lightly dusted with powdered sugar sounds amazing ALLL the time. If I allowed myself to bake as often as I want to it would not go well for me, nor my husband. 

9.  Imaginiff you were a film genre.  Which would you be and why?

• Action
• Romantic Comedy
• Animated
• Horror
• Foreign
• Teen comedy

Disney Animated for sure. I mean who doesn't want to be a Disney Animated movie? Lezzbehonest, we all would if we could. 

10.  Imaginiff you were a Loony Tune.  Which one would you be and why?

• Elmer Fudd
• Daffy Duck
• Bugs Bunny
• Wile E. Coyote
• Road Runner
• Porky Pig

Hmmm, I wasn't ever too into the Looney Tunes. So I don't know any of the characters to be able to properly pick. So out of sheer cuteness I would pick Bugs Bunny. 

11.  Imaginiff you were a Winnie-the-Pooh character.  Which would you be and why?

• Winnie-the-Pooh
• Piglet
• Rabbit
• Tigger
• Eeyore
• Owl

I choose Tigger. T-I-double guh- err. I LOVE TIGGER. I have always loved Tigger. 

That spells Tigger. 

Well, that was fun. I hope you all know me just a little better now. Below I have shamlessly copied and pasted the rules from Elisha. 

If you have been nominated (see list below) AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, seriously no pressure, here are your instructions:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.

3. Answer the “Imaginiff” questions that I gave you.

4. Nominate as many blogs that you feel deserve the award.

5. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers you have nominated to answer.

6. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here)

Once you have accepted your MAJOR award by writing and publishing your “acceptance” speech, you then should inform the people/blogs that you have nominated them for the Liebster Award.  Also, you might want to provide a link for them back to this post or your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

Drum Roll please...... And the Nominations are:

1. Jena @ http://somedaymama.wordpress.com/
2. Amber @ http://amberunderconstruction.wordpress.com/
3. Alicia @ amac0319.tumblr.com
4. Just T @ http://justagirltryingtomakethebest.blogspot.com/

And your questions are:

1. Would you rather eat a giant plate of Nachos or eat a giant bag of donuts? Why?
2. Would you rather have no eye brows or have a unibrow? Why?
3. Would you rather ride a pig or ride a bull? Why?
4. Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? Why?
5. Would you rather have legs as long as your fingers or fingers as long as your legs? Why?
6. Would you rather only be able to have cake with every meal or a bar of chocolate? Why?
7. Would you rather lose all your hair or lose all your hearing? Why?
8. Would you rather play monopoly or cranium? Why?
9. Would you rather have a miniature elephant (yes, I realize they don't exist) for a pet or a monkey?
10. This one's not a would you rather, but what is your all time favorite bible verse or life motto/quote?

The 24th

I always seem to wake up on the 24th of each month a little heavy. Like some unexpected, but by now it's kind of expected, baggage decided to show up, or an extra thousand pounds have set up shop on my chest.

Typically I tell myself:

"Morgan, this is ridiculous, you should really move on."

"Seriously? You're still upset about this?"

"Wow, get a grip Morgan, it's been like 6 months since the first and like 4 since the last...

Get over it."

 

"Come on.... Give it a rest. At least, you knew there would problems, you should have been more prepared."

 

At least....But....Maybe...

 

You know, the enemy has a hay day trying to drag me down with the maybes and should haves and buts...Oh, and my personal favorite, At least. I could list a million examples of what I have heard, what I have been told, and an even longer list of the lies the enemy plants into this head of mine. I don't want to give him any credit though. That jerk face has no business being here. 

2 Corinthians 3:17

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

 

With out fail I always feel a little heavy. Even subconsciously I think my brain starts to prepare for sadness the whole week. It's like these chains have decided to never leave, a form of bondage I'm not quite ready to completely let go of. Matter of fact, I don't even know how to let it go. Perhaps maybe it's just my permanent limp. The thorn in my side. The never healing, bleeding wound from my heart.

Do you ever let it go? Is it just time that passes and suddenly it doesn't hurt as much, or the pain subsides? 

I know for certain Jesus died and fought this battle for me long long ago, and I know for certain He did so to set me free of my chains, of any form of bondage. But why haven't I truly been freed. Some days it really feels like no big deal, it just tends to creep in on the 24th. 

Maybe my redemption is waiting for me on a 24th of some given month... Maybe my healing will come a'blazin on a 24th and that day will be made right, I can only hope.

I've heard so many times that as Christians we shouldn't walk around with our heads down, or depressed. Which I totally agree (to an extent). We should never allow our emotions to swallow us up and eat us alive. What about in death? How do we not feel the burdens of sadness and sorrow without it showing... until we're healed? Of course I have Joy! I have Hope- simply because I know He loves me, and has redeemed me. But does that completely invalidate the pain and suffering we find ourselves in? 

Apparently I have a lot of questions today. It's the 24th, and for this season I'm in, I don't particularly care for the 24th. 

 

So, as I press in just a little more to my Father, I will come asking boldly for healing, I will come with expectations of peace and comfort. I come with expectations that as I rely on His word, I will be set free from this bondage. Because He is good I know that His desire is to bless me. Because He is good, I can trust that when I take from Him the gifts He longs to give me I will feel complete and whole, not lacking anything. 

So long chains, so long heaviness, so long burdens. I hope to not NEVER see you again next month, because you are not welcome.

So, that's all. That's what today happens to look like for me, unfortunately. Tomorrow is a new day. Yet even still, today is a gift and I have much to be thankful for.


 

Blessings and bigger pictures.

The last week or so I had been majorly blessed by Elisha (www.waitingforbabybird.com) with a wonderful devotional, a book, and a beautiful card that just brought me to tears. I am amazed at the relationships the Lord has brought into my life and I am humbled to know that I am so cared for by my Father that He would bless me. 

As I planned for a dinner night with some girlfriends to honor A, it required a trip to the store. We were honoring that within the next few weeks her family of 3 will be a family of 4. Another little precious peanut was on it's way. I've spent many months being blissfully happy for her, and jealous at the same time. Watching my best friend's belly grow was a constant reminder of what I could have looked like at any given moment, and as I walked in the store and purchased diapers and some wipes, I was brought to tears. I learned that even the silly little things like diapers would be a pleasure to purchase. These items would also be something that I would be purchasing as my first little one's due date is approaching, quickly. God was gentle enough to remind me that I can rejoice for her, and also for me, because 'my someday' is coming soon. Soon might not be what I think soon is, but regardless, it's coming. I can rejoice. 

To this day, as baby approaches I am even more excited for this little one's arrival, maybe more so than any other babe I've met. Because He, my Creator, has shown me grace in my situation, I am capable of giving more love, and a deeper desire to love on babies, and even more so, this soon-to-be Mamma. 

And of course, after a good cry in the car before entering this little get-together, Cupcakes (Gluten Free yay!) were very welcomed, and a pleasant treat to chow down, or shall I say, Inhale. 

Recently I have been trying to be more intentional with my time. Waking up, doing my studies before anything else, trying to listen better.... among many other things. However, one thing I have been wanting to do is spend more time with my extended family. When my parents started the process of their divorce in 2005 it felt as though all the family I had disappeared. We all went our separate ways, and life continued. It wasn't until a horrible breakup with a previous relationship that I needed somewhere to go, I needed support. At the time when I felt I had no where to go, I received a message from my Aunt telling me that she missed me, and her house was always open. She had no idea where I was in my life, what I was going through. 

This was the very start to awakening my desire to be close to the family my Father blessed me with. 

Since then I have tried to make it a priority to see this extended family. Not just my Aunt and Uncle, but my grandparents, and cousins. It's been a great journey, and one that I am actually enjoying now that I am an adult. It's almost like we're friends now and not 'Just' family. I've recently been re-establishing a relationship with My cousin Jos. It's been a hoot. I am finding a deep appreciation for my blood family. I was super excited when she extended the invite to her daughters 5th birthday party this weekend with a football game to follow. During the party my husband and I were surrounded with kids, from around the ages 11 and under. It was loud, and busy, and certainly entertaining! I would have never guessed at a cute little 5 year old's birthday party I would meet someone who knew me better than I could explain. 

She was brave, and sensitive, and understanding. 

When my cousin Jos asked how my baby-related things are going I immediately spilled all the things I wish I had a better filter about. To my advantage, it was the best time to splurge on all the details. Little did I know, T was standing with us, listening in on our convo. She started asking me questions that no one has asked me before. Like, she already knew my story. 

With a tender voice, she shared her story with me. Ectopic. Tubal pregnancy. Right in front of my eyes was a beautiful woman who had walked in my shoes just 4 short years ago. 

You guys, I can't even begin to explain the amount of blessings I felt talking with her. She knew, and had walked through everything, I mean everything I had, have, and am walking through. I have tears in my eyes just recalling this sweet, sweet conversation we had. I even had the opportunity to talk to her Husband, to get the mans point-of-view. Even better, her and her husband took advantage of this opportunity and prayed over C and I. Prayers for healing, prayers for comfort, prayers for blessings, and supply. 

Now, it's not my story to tell, she is the keeper of her story. But God has redeemed them, and blessed them beyond measure! 

I am so excited to have met someone. I am so blessed to know that all my irrational fears and frustrations are not exclusive to myself. I am not the only one who has felt loss, and felt guilt for 'removing' a pregnancy. My season of feeling like a mamma who terminated a pregnancy was one of the hardest seasons I've ever met, and it was comforting to know that I was not alone in my seasons. It was encouraging to see how her trust in the Lord was strengthened, and she was renewed. It was encouraging to know that I was not ridiculous for feeling like my mourning, and grieving was taking longer than expected, Because she too, had to walk through it all. 

I am so blessed. God had an ordained appointment waiting for me at a 5 year olds birthday, God's grace and mercy was waiting for me at Seahawks football game get-together. God's goodness was being orchestrated starting in 2005, when my life changed and I didn't understand why a family would split. 

God has given me a beautiful gift of the view of a bigger picture. Because of this bigger picture I can rejoice, I can rest and know that He is my supply, I can know fully that He doesn't change and His promises always come to be. Always.