It's no secret that I'm slightly addicted to fertility blogs, and I'm easily sucked into stories of success and hope. On one forum that I enjoy, one lady posted this picture and I suppose that after much thought and consideration, there is absolute truth to this statement. Be sure to notice the use of the word: WILL.
I've repeatedly and subconsciously psyched myself into believing that miracles can happen, but just not for me. Which is a flat out lie.
I've been uberly (if that's even a word) blessed to be spending my Thursday mornings with a wonderful friend and influential woman. We've been tackling a new book together called: The Power of Right Believing by Joseph Prince. While I've been excited and joyful over others miracles, I've not yet considered the lie and WRONG believing I've bought into about miracles just not being for me.
You see, I've always known that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, and his ways are good and he wants to bless me. I've just never truly believed it. After a subtle reminder, for probably the nineteenth billionth time, from Papa Joe, He really does want to give me miracles.
So, I've successfully identified an area of my wrong thinking, which was on my prayer list. I wanted a tangible list of wrong thinking. Now, if I can just figure out how to make it right....How do I believe right? I'm fairly certain if I truly knew, better yet, BELIEVED, how much my creator loved me, my wrong thinking would dissipate.
Miracles aren't just for everyone but me.... Miracles actually include me too! For this reason I have hope. For the longest time I've been dreaming up this great post about "Hanging on to Hope". However, in all reality it's more like a story of despair and hope, as endless cycles of trust, belief and lack thereof. Its even a far from glamorous road about how I've walked through this Hope. But, as I've kept walking I've realized that hanging on to Hope, isn't about having a great story of how I succeeded and came out strong in the end. Although, I'd like that to be the case..... It's just not.
Hanging on to hope and believing in miracles go hand in hand. Especially when it comes to infertility, or losing a pregnancy, a little tiny life, you so desperately wanted. It's also true in ALL the other messy life situations. I can't express that enough. That all these stories don't JUST apply to infertility. It applies to life, and all it's complications.
It's super messy, and it's not pretty sometimes. It's full of ugly cries, and hopeful moments, and straight up despair. Hope is believing against the lies that are being repeated in my sinful brain, like that annoying drippy faucet that happens to sound the loudest at night when all is quite and still.
Morgan- don't you realize, you're the issue here. This wouldn't be happening if you were whole or healed.
That's a lie.
Although there is truth to some of the damage that's been done in/to me and my reproductive organs, it doesn't mean that I'm useless goods.
Therefore I have Hope.
Morgan- don't you realize that God wouldn't have taken your babies if he actually loved you.
That's a lie.
Straight from the pit of hell. That is a lie.
He loves me, he loves my little ones I don't yet know, and the ones I am eager to meet. Therefore I have hope, and can trust that He has miracles in store for us. I have hope.
HOPE: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
God straight up told us to have hope. He has reminded us over and over in His word that we should have hope. When you look at the definition of hope it's no wonder that a lot of our wrong believing comes from lack of hope. That our sinful expectations fall short consistently. When we have hope in a Savior, our expectations are transformed into something of greater value. We're filled with desires for Godly things to come.
It's simple. Have hope. Expect our Father, who loves us, to care for us. He knows our desires, he knows our needs and our wants. Expect him to fill us with exactly what we need, when we need it, in his perfect time. Silly me, I thought it was suppose to be more complicated than that. Where did my childlike faith go?
In this journey I've found myself plopped into, it's been full of moments of clarity, then moments of feeling like a complete hypocrite and succumbing to hopelessness. It's amazing the gazillion, upon billions and millions of emotions and thoughts and clarities and lies you feel, see, think and dream, when it comes to...well life. But I know this for certain, there's a purpose. I just haven't zoomed out far enough to see the bigger picture.
So, somedays I believe. Some days, the hope just isn't there, at all. I lack trust in miracles, and then the next moment I know for certain there are so many good miracles to come. You guys, I cannot even stress how flip floppy this emotionally driven road is, but I'm telling you, the only consistent thing I can claim is Jesus.
This is just the tip of the iceberg for my testimony. This is just a fraction of the story for my husband and I. This is such a small piece of the puzzle to really make His kingdom shine. And my lack of faith at moments is a thought and belief that needs to be made right. As I'm in my seasons of restoration, He's creating in me a whole new way of believing and thinking right. I can guarantee that when He's ready, this story is gonna rock my world, and hopefully yours too. I know for certain this journey has Jesus written all over it.
I'm believing for my miracle, I'm believing in Hope. I'm not hanging on to it. I'm gonna surrender it, and cling to it like my life depends on it. I'm not going to hang on to something that's already mine, because of the cross. I, most certainly, don't deserve it, but I can claim it, and rest knowing that He's got me.
Right believing. Right thinking. Easier said than done. I'm so thankful that it's not my strength I rely on.
There are so many exciting things happening in this home, and God is doing great things. I have this cool, nerve wrecking feeling that God's gonna be stirring up some really neat words. I'm excited to be sharing, and so excited to see what He's gonna do.
You are loved