Growth

12/1/13 Cooked my first turkey with my Hubby. Needless to say, we nailed it!

12/3/13  3am wake up call from Jesus. Not my favorite hour of the morning. But I'll take it!

So thankful for these two gorgeous ladies.



Uber Thankful for this little man and the smiles he gives away so freely, but apparently is far from amused over selfies.



11/28 My cute cousin made a bunch of these little guys to decorate the table with. How cute are they?




OK, now that we have that taken care of, I can truly say I am still thankful. After the chaotic Holiday, and running around, I am still thankful.

A dear friend of ours texted me this past week, eager to talk about a book he recently finished. I had read this same book about a year ago and he wanted to pick my brain! I was a bit taken aback that someone would consult with little ol' me, but surely I jumped at the opportunity. Tuesday night, after being up for most the night hashing a few things out with Jesus and a horrendous stomach ache, I mustered up some energy to spend some time with D & L.

The book he had just read was called " Heaven is for Real". If you haven't read it, I would certainly recommend this book. It's a simple, easy read and it will show a whole new childlike perspective on heaven. As a short re-cap, this young boy has some issues at a young age and needs lots of medical attention. While the young boy is being saved by a group of doctors he experiences heaven. After all this and quite some time after he's better, his parents start to pick up on his amazing experience in heaven when he was sick.  Long story short, the part my dear friend D was most interested in was about a lost baby(sibling) that this little boy knew about, simply from meeting her in heaven.

This prompted my friend to ask my hubs and I about our personal journey. I was hesitant at first, but knew that perhaps it would be good for me to actually Talk about it.

Had we named baby Brooks #1.... and #2?

No, we hadn't named them because we, personally, didn't feel that it was needed in order for our healing.  We both firmly believe that our little ones are already named by the Author of Life itself. However, the day I found out I was having surgery, in less than 12 hours to save my life, it was confirmed to us that this little one was always going to be remembered by us as "Our Little Flower".  Baby B #2 is not named but we have a feeling that we already know he would have a specific name. The next part wasn't particularly a questions but more of a conversation about how it would feel to truly know your little one(s) are cared for by God. I simply said, that as a maternal instinct I wanted to know without a doubt my little ones were cared for. That was suppose to be my job. I was suppose to provide a suitable living space for 9 short months, and then care for their every need once entering this physical world. This topic took me a while to grasp but after referring back to an old post describing how life is based of off Gods love, and that there are no qualifying characteristics that must be met in order to be deemed alive, I was beginning to see a new perspective.

The mystery of a relational God who chooses to 

create, redeem, or sustain creation 

regardless if that life can reciprocate.

It is solely His Love alone that sustained my little one(s) for the time being, and His love alone that would sustain my little one(s) either here on earth, or away in Heaven. Because He sent His son for our redemption I know full well He died on that cross for not only me, but the 2 I will someday meet. This gave a whole new purpose and title of a care giver. The Holy Spirit, the father, and the Son. I can stand in confidence that they are deeply cared for, and even cared for much better than this earthly momma could have provided. Because of the finished work of the cross, I know that these little lives are deeply connected and rooted into the body of Christ. As we function as a unit of Oneness, I know that body of Christ up in Heaven is caring for those lost little ones as well.

I have found such deep peace and gratitude for this understanding He has provided me. I was even more grateful for the opportunity to share some of my most intimate thoughts with some friends. It's not very often that I have willingly talked in person about my experience, but had a deep longing to be capable of doing such. A blog is almost like a safe place. No one see's the tears when I type, it's almost like this specific avenue allows me to talk, but to hide the inmost emotions that well up inside me. This conversation, stripped me of my security blanket. I am very grateful that I didn't fall apart, I didn't weep, or pull out the ugly cry (that came later). However, it did prove to me that I have, and am, slowly reaching a new season. A season of Healing, and Recovery.

As I pulled into work today I was listening to an old song, that is now a staple in my life.

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'

Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'

Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor.

I know that you know that my heart is achin'

I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'

I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore.

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,

Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands.

So I'm gonna lay it down

I'm gonna learn to trust You now

What else can I do

Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don't come back up

I know Your love will be enough

I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,

I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'

Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'

But You're pullin' me out

I'm finally breathin' in the open air.

This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'

There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'

That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now.

Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans

Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands.

So I'm gonna lay it down

I'm gonna learn to trust You now

Oh what more can I do,

Cause everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don't come back up

You know Your love will be enough

I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,

I'm gonna lay it down.

God Has been faithful, and His promises are true. I reached a spot this morning where I was so thankful that He had rescued me. The He did indeed Pull me out of the Pit, and set my feet on a firm place to stand. It certainly didn't happen when I thought it would happen, and it most certainly didn't happen on my timeline. But, here I am (at least today) feeling hopeful, and submerged into a whole new meaning of trust and surrender. 

Just like this little new growth below, His promise to me long ago of Restoration and Redemption are being fulfilled. Although not complete, which I am perfectly content with, I am slowly seeing the fruits of walking and choosing His grace, and His love, and choosing to believe in His Mercy. 

This plant was purchased after Baby B #1 as a memento, or keepsake. Little did I know that same month I bought this keepsake we would see another loss, and on that day of our loss every petal was wilted and near dead. That same night, after returning home from the hospital, with deep sorrow I cut back and trimmed each tiny, fragile branch, devastated that my little flower(s), literal and figurative, were gone. Today, as I peeked on my little plant, here stood a beautifully newly free'd bloom. The relation between this plant, and myself and my Keeper humbles me. Flat on my face, in complete Surrender to the One who made me.