Wonky Tests and New Beginnings

Since my last post I feel as though a lot has happened in 2 short weeks and everything has changed. And I mean Everything. Which is good!

I mentioned in a previous post that I was having some tests done regarding hormones. I was amazed at the outcome. I always knew I was a little off, but I never expected to see this.

This is a female hormone panel test, represented in graph form, Obviously. 

Since the words a little tiny I will give you a brief overview of what it means.

Top line: Estrogen

Bottom Line: Progesterone

The top portion of this document shows different days and where exactly my levels were at. I was shocked. My estrogen rarely moves and although still within normal range in the follicular phase -through pre-ovulation - it's a bit low. Now if you know anything about a cycle you'll know that your estrogen and progesterone tend to spike (ovulation) then eventually level off (post-ovulation/Luteal Phase) and thus the cycle begins again.... As you can see I never leave the follicular stage. In plain words... I don't ovulate. My progesterone was what really impressed me, in words of Dr. M, my body only know how to make LESS THAN one tenth of the amount of progesterone you need to function properly. You can also see that my starting CD1-3 my Hormones are through the roof!! Hello! No wonder I practically fall into a sleep coma come CD1, my poor body doesn't even know how to respond! I'm giggling just even thinking about it!

Below the graph you will notice that my average testosterone levels were definitely elevated. All.month.long. (it's no shock to me to know why I loved kick boxing so much, and my blood boils easily)... My DHEA levels (although still within normal range) I am one number away from lacking enough DHEA. 

This whole test explained a lot.  No wonder I feel so tired, and no wonder everything has been so wonkey since Septembers loss. No wonder we haven't had a successful pregnancy, and not been able to get pregnant again.. One must Ovulate in order for there to be a possibility of pregnancy. Duh...

So you ask, how does this compare? Well, I went straight to Dr. Google to make some comparisons. Here is the graph that I could find that most resembled a typical hormone pattern.... Obviously everyone is so different and there isn't one set example... but this was considered typical...

See the lovely difference... HA, it was almost comical, and I asked my Hubby for a free pass on my " I'm so tried"... " I don't feel good" complaints. All joking aside, it was so nice to know that it's just not like me to feel so crummy all the time.

I was a little discouraged at first, but happy to get an idea of what is going on, and I was excited to have the opportunity to take some bio-identical hormones and get me back on track. The longer I thought about it the more I realized that this whole situation is out of my control, and I am SO okay with that. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control and so thankful that He is the healer of all that's wonky in my broken body. 

So once I saw this lovely visual of what my body does we decided to do some HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and give it 3-5 months to see what happens. Because I am totally okay with this outcome I have decided to take full advantage that I have an empty womb, Hubby and I are now 2 weeks into our new work out routine. We started T25 ( Thanks, Emily!!) and it is awesome! I can't tell you enough the benefits this program! Connor and I have both seen such great results. His have been more noticeable physically than mine. Most of my results have been internal, emotional, and mentally. Come monday we will be on to week #3. 

We love it. It's fun to be working out together, and it's fun to be committed to something new together. I must say I was a little embarrassed to be jumping around, in my glorious lack of coordination, at first. However, it only took about 2 days for me to push those thoughts aside. I mean, he's seen my at my worst, he most certainly can handle my jiggly tush and flailing arms and legs! 

The Lord is leading us in a fun new adventure when it comes to expanding our family of two, and we are excited to see what that all looks like. I am also excited to share what it might look like along the way. 

On another note and speaking of family expansions, I am proud to introduce the newest member of my best friends family:

Welcome Miss Harper Rossi.

I have known a few people to have babies while I have been on my recent journey of life after loss. But this threw me into a whole new world. I was BEYOND excited to receive pictures in the middle of my morning to announce her arrival. I saw that little face and my heart fluttered and sunk all at the same time. I was immediately more in love than I ever have been, and also more confused and frustrated than I ever have been. 

**Disclaimer: it had absolutely nothing to do with A and N, and everything to do with me and what the Lord wanted me to walk through. 

I was so torn in my conflicting emotions I couldn't even bring myself to text back. I was immediately silenced and voiceless. I was frozen staring at this smooshy chunky little thing with a faucet turned on all over my face. Sitting at my desk at work, I snapped out of la-la baby land and threw my phone away in a drawer left to negotiate in my head. What the heck was going on? I was so happy for them, I was elated to see this little one Finally here. I had been looking forward to this moment for months. Then it dawned on me that this is the first baby born to one of the closest friends I have. I also realized that I was (supposed to be) next. That in 5-6 more weeks I would have had a sweet little one wrapped up in my arms, and sending out my text to all my friends that out little one was finally here! Selfish to make it about what is going on in my life... Maybe. Incredibly happy and ecstatic for Harper to finally be here and N and A to finally meet their sweet baby girl..... MOST definitely. 

I am and was so ashamed that I couldn't think of anything to text back to her announcement until the next day. And even then it was mediocre, but heartfelt, I promise. Come that Friday I was able to meet this sweet thang. That came with a challenge in itself. My sweet, sweet friends were able to block out a chuck of time for me and hubby to come alone. I knew the tears would reappear and my reaction would be messy, I just couldn't handle the idea that my melt down could have been public if others were around. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Did I cry, yes. Was I overjoyed? Most definitely. I can't express how grateful I am and was to have them be sensitive, and understanding. While talking to A she knew it had nothing to do with her or baby, and she was incredibly graceful and understanding that it was just hard. She also knew how much I already loved her little one. I am so thankful for them. And my words don't do it justice. 

The real mess came when I hopped in the car, Oo'd and Aww'd over the pictures I snapped, got home, got ready for bed, looked up at Connor and the real tears came. I was so thankful for her safe arrival to this world and felt the pang of my losses and deepest desires of my heart even more than I had before. The only thing I could say to my hubby was, " I want our baby". I want the two that are with Jesus, and the one I know He's promised. After my melt down, and many hours pleading with the Lord, I am now content in my waiting, and thankful for the moments the Lord is giving me before we add new members to the family. But, this one night, it all just came to a head. The Lord is gracious, and uses the smallest gifts to bring me back in His arms. To rest in the promise and rest in the waiting. 

I am so in Love with little miss Harper. 

Dear Miss Harper,

Don't ever forget how loved you are not just by your mommy and daddy, or how loved you are by me and uncle Connor, 

but you are loved deeply by the one who created your inmost being. 

Your value rests in Him alone, and you are worth far more than any possession.

 God has good things for you, even when it seems dark. 

Remember, He is faithful. 

Love,

Auntie Morgie

So, how has everything changed, you ask? Well, God has blessed me with contentment. I'm in a season of waiting and expectation and it is sweet and rich in mercy and grace. My desires haven't changed, my hopes haven't changed, but the Lord has changed me and widened my view of what this journey looks like for now. He's replaced my fear with hope, my scars with healing, my sorrow with Joy, and my priorities with the Holy Spirit. I've recently called this my Limbo Land. I feel as though I don't have much to say because the depth of His love and grace is indescribable. The changes He has made in me are too intimate to share. 

The promises He has provided and the road He is preparing is too in depth to even type it out. 

I am bowed down in awe at the work He is doing. 

Xoxo

-M