This not-so-great friend has a name.
Anxiety.
I was so excited to sit down with Dr. M today and hash out a few reason as to why I am unable to keep a bun in this oven. I was practically bouncing in that office hopeful, joyful, and almost giddy that there may be an answer to some of my questions, just behind that door. After discussing a few details about how and where my body has defaulted to, since July, Dr. M determined that oddly enough, ovulation may not even be occurring in this body of mine. And, for the icing on the cake he mentioned that my estrogen as well as progesterone are not sufficient enough to support ovulation, implantation, or enough to support a viable pregnancy.
Que tears here.
Today is one of those days where, not only do I feel like an utter failure. I am even failing to be able to see Jesus in this. Where are my promises? Where are my hopes? I have a million questions still and not a single answer. I have already carried the burden that this broken body of mine was already not in tip top shape, but it was even more so confirmed that it doesn't function how I had planned or expected...Such is life... Right?
I already know the truths full well in my head, today it's a matter of actually believing it to be true.
"My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness..
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But, wholly in Jesus Name."
It's no surprise to me that as I'm typing these are the only words I can whisper. Praying constantly today that this be enough. Lord let it be enough.
Well, on top of this less than fabulous news, Dr. M kindly informed me that it seems as though my stress levels, and that not-so-great friend Anxiety has been hanging around FAR too long. He could just see it in my posture. Especially when it came time to talk about the past 5 months. I knew this
So I am feeling like I am back at square one, and trying to figure out how to de-stress, and lessen my anxiety.... How do you tell your brain to stop thinking about what has been lost? How do you move forward.... I truly thought I have been making progress, that my healing was just starting. In my situation, how do you rid yourself of fear. After my Ectopic Dr. S clearly stated "WHEN you happen to have another, we will then remove your right tube". Which by the way, is severely damaged and practically non-functional, and puts me at an even more increased risk of it happening again.
I feel like throwing my fists in the air screaming: NOW WHAT DO I DO, How are YOU going to help me here? Where the *bleep* are you Lord?
All this to say, I feel like falling apart and curling up in a cave. But, I know better than that. I know better than to let the enemy win. So, as a sweet blogger friend (waitingforbabybird.com) put it - I quit. I surrender, again. I quit so that He can work, and do the fighting for me. I am simply too emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
"My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness..
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But, wholly in Jesus Name."
For all you sweet sweet friends of mine, tips, encouragement, scripture would be welcomed. Comment away.
xox
-Morgan
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
ReplyDelete"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you....And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-7, 10-11
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
These are some of my most favorite verses about rest and anxiety. All three of the verses use the word "all", not some, not most....ALL..All who are weary and burdened that surrender to Jesus WILL have rest. Cast ALL your anxieties onto Him, surrender ALL the anxious thoughts at the cross and leave them there, let Him do the work. Trust with ALL your heart, even with the deepest part of your being that doesn't want to let go. Trust Him, let Him fight this battle for you, let Him provide the understanding and be the ultimate provider He is for you. You will find rest in Jesus, emotional, spiritual and physical rest...
I love each of those. Thanks for being such an encouragement! Love you, Xbox ;)
DeleteI know you already know this but I believe it takes us getting to the point where we don't/can't rely on anyone or thing but the Lord. That's how he wants it, he wants all of our trust and worries. You are in my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteThere is so much truth to that statement. He wants it all, and on occasion it's so hard to keep placing it all into His hands, when the outcome hasn't changed...Yet! This season has most definitely proven to be one of constent surrender! It's hard, but I love drawing more near to him! Thanks for the encouragement!!!!
DeleteGod has such good plans for you!!! What the enemy plans to destroy, God turns into good! Remember to resist the enemy and seek the Lord! Believing great things for 2014!
ReplyDeleteAmen! Thank you, Caroline! Thank you Jesus for truth!
Deletehttp://waitingforbabybird.com/2013/12/21/jesus-are-you-sleeping-wake-up/
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if you saw this blog post of mine from Saturday but it might help you...? Not sure. Keep trusting Him because He will never leave you, nor forsake you, or let you be put to shame by the devil. He will see that you get to the other side of this. He is loving and faithful. We must leave all of the details in His hands :) hugs girlie!! xoxoxo
One, I LOVE your blog. It is incredibly well written and totally God breathed! He's doing great things in you and through you! Love it! Two, totally read it and soaked in every word I could. Three, thank you thank you for all the encouragement, I am soo overwhelmingly thankful!
DeleteLove you, Morgan. I am praying for you; that in all of this, you will seek and find comfort and refuge in Him; that none of the hurt will be wasted, but instead used to grow and shape and prepare you for the adventures ahead; that as you meet and interact with others throughout this process the light of Jesus' truth and love will impact people in a profound way - that He will make something beautiful of this pain.
ReplyDeleteI've never walked this road. I ache with you, but I know I cannot truly understand your disappointment, not with any real grasp on how it truly feels, because I just don't know. I don't have words of insight or revelation to offer. I wish I did. Some hurts are just "ours". Even others who know the pain from personal experience cannot truly know OUR pain. I think this is one of those things. It is so deeply personal. Yet, you are not alone in your circumstances or sorrow over it.
I'm proud of you for looking to Jesus - even with frustration. Of course it hurts, of course it is hard. I hope we (your family, friends, the community of believers) can ease that pain a little - even if we cannot fully know it - by coming alongside you; being available; aching with your hurts, rejoicing with your joys. Ultimately, I know He is one to do the healing - both physically, and emotionally. And as you place your hope and trust in Him, I know He will be faithful to work that in your life.
If you ever need a friend to walk along with you in this journey, I love you lots. My heart and home are always open. And I am praying for you. Huge hugs, sweet cousin. I'm so sorry for the loss and ache you are experiencing. It breaks my heart for you. But I also take confidence knowing what a mighty, and loving God we serve. I have often been disappointed in the way He has chosen to direct my life - but I have never been let down. He is trustworthy. Trust Him and be the woman He can show Himself glorious through. It may not be the way you hope, but He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ever even ask or imagine. Know that you are beautiful, you are loved, and He is sufficient to complete you in every insufficiency, weakness, or failure you encounter in life and in yourself. Fix your eyes on Jesus and run with patience. (Hebrews 12)
xo,
Heather
It it so hard when we are in it…to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how hard it can be to trust in God's plans when it's not what you want in your heart. You don't want to wait. You just want your broken body to be healed and to become a mother. I know your pain. Try to trust…although it is hard. Hoping you find peace in 2014!
ReplyDeleteJessah, Thank you so much! Praying for you on your journey!
DeleteI've only just begun to read your blog, but I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you at this very moment and will continue to do so. Emily is my Beachbody coach and sent me the link to your blog. I'm so glad she did. Your honesty and heart for Jesus are inspiring.
ReplyDeleteLove, Angela (at themangomemoirs.com)
I was just reading your blog last night after Emily texted me the link, LOVE IT! I can't wait to read more! Thank you for your support and prayers, I am so blessed and encouraged by everyone's comments and support! Thanks, Angela! I am exicted about your guys' relationship. Isn't she a fabulous coach?! Love her!
Deletexox