Holiday Re-cap

We enjoyed a trip to Flamin' Joe's with a couple friends of ours who blessed our socks off with their company then also this gift (pictured above)! These guys are amazing. I pretty much adore K, and B (the hubby) is just a hoot! I'm not sure they even realize how much I absolutely love them! K has quite the talent, and the testimony, check her out at www.katiecampbellphotography.com

You won't regret it, promise!

The Sunday before Christmas we started our Christmas Eve services at our home church. A dear friend snapped this gem for us. It was plopped in the middle of a series of pictures on my phone- but I just loved the joy that this picture shows. 

I enjoyed reminiscing over our engagement photos that took place about a year ago last weekend. I loved my man that day, and I love him even more today. (Photo credit: Katie Campbell Photography)

This simple word wrecked me come Christmas Eve. Seriously, in awe. Thank you Jesus, for all that you've done and all that you will do.

This family, melts my heart. LOVE THEM! Merry Christmas from afar!

Our first Christmas as Man and Wife. So blessed. There are not enough words to describe the love I have for this man. So thankful.

I stole this quote once again from waitingforbabybird.com

This girl has a brilliant, God breathed gift! The way she writes and speaks of her relationship with Jesus is truly amazing! I'm always checking her blog first to see what's new that I can learn. Seriously a gift. This quote came from her blog recapturing a bit about her Christmas. The more I meet women who struggle or have been through infertility ir loss the more I realize that, one, I'm not crazy...or at least crazy in a bad way, and I'm not alone. 

All that being said, I know some of my readers are waiting for a miracle, and I want them to know that I'm on your side! I'm am crazy in love with all the little ones that God has yet to give you, and all the little ones He may have already given you. I am crazy in love with the families he's gonna bless you with. I'm firmly believing that He's going to rock your world and I'm in your cheerleading section, promise! 

Xox 

Morgan

Gettin' real up in here

It's been 8 total cycles trying to get a bun in this oven. Two of which ended up in positive pregnancy tests, one being the Ectopic(tubal) pregnancy ending on 7/24/13 and the second being an early miscarriage, oddly enough ending 9/24/13. Needless to say the 24th of each month is not my favorite day.

Isaiah 30:18

Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; 
he rises to show you compassion.

For The Lord is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!

Here's the scoop.

In July, after surgery I decided to really learn what the heck this body does. Who knew one would be so excited to learn what all this means, and how it applies to our fertility! A sweet friend of mine A, gave me a book called: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I highly recommend this book if you are eager to learn your body better, trying to conceive, or even preventing.

Here's what I've gathered....

My cycles suck, they are inconsistent.
I have a long  epic history of Endometriosis, that apparently has been healed as of July 2013 (thank you JESUS), accompanied by a total of 6 laparoscopic procedures, revealing some cysts, endometriosis, as well as a few uterine polyps. I've battled through countless other procedures including an HSG and sonohystergram...... and to put the icing on the cake: it's a rarity that I even ovulate. Whaaa?
Yay me!

My remedy?

Well, seeing that fertility treatments can be quite spendy and then they hop you up on all sorts of drugs and tests and procedures, I have decided to go to a Naturopath for my first option. I've seen Dr. M before, so he knows my colorful fertility/hormonal Resume. I'd like to think I have quite an impressive resume, if I say so myself.

As some of you saw from my most recent post, my visit with Dr. M didn't go as I expected. After spending some time thinking about ways to de-stress and relax a little, I decided to quit. I'm Giving up on taking charge of my fertility. I mean - who am I kidding? I'm not the one in charge. I do have a responsibility to care for this one body the Lord gave me, and I do have to play my part when it comes to at least trying to make a baby, but the timing isn't up to me. Quitting also meant that I stop taking extra measures to take control of the timing, and solely rely on Gods timing and shockingly enough, maybe just enjoy being with my hubby instead of having a preconceived idea that every time we're close it just might make a baby. It may... But it may not. So in Gods hands I rest. Amazingly enough, after deciding to not take my temp, or doing anything fertility related, every.single.morning... I slept. I mean I really slept. If you ask my amazing man, he'd tell you, sleep is not one of my best qualities! Imgonnasayitagain- I SLEPT! 

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and burden is light.

  

So, I think I'm on the right track, simple daily things that I can throw boundaries around and know my limits while I let my heart heal a little more. I'm learning I can't be ashamed of the emotional toll these losses took on me- and I'm most certainly not doing myself any favors pretending that things are ok, when clearly they are not. We'll see what else hubby and I can can do together that releases some tension (personally, I'm thinking maybe some relaxation massages! Wouldn't that be a treat!?). Perhaps this is a great way for me to start the new year, cutting out a few things in my schedule, making more time to be at home, more time to get that workout in, more time to spend in His word. It all sounds like a great idea- but this is when I'm to rely on Him and Him alone to show me which direction I'm to go.

So, you want real, here it is. This is when I dig a little deeper, when God's got the opportunity to show His glory and reveal himself a little more. I'm not going to candy coat my faith, I'm most certainly not going to candy coat our journey to become parents, and I'm not going to candy coat the real - raw emotions that come when you experience loss, or difficulty trying to expand a family.

All this being said- with a handful of days off from work for the holiday, I've been able to rest. I've successfully cleaned my whole apartment, top to bottom, dust (and laundry) free! Which feels amazing. I've also had many minutes to reflect on this past year. I gravitated to my previous journal and read what I was thinking and praying about at the end of 2012. 

"As I looked forward into the next several months my one desire is to serve God more
  and enter into a deeper and richer love with Him."

Prayer #1: Answered. Still in process.

Although I didn't see the hurdles that would catapult me into this deep, rich love with Jesus, it was answered, and then some. My life depends on him. Period.

"I want to become more vulnerable 

and set my insecurities and worries at his feet 

with out shame or guilt. 

Even more so, allow them to stay there, at his feet." 

Prayer #2: Answered. Still in process.

Like I said before the circumstances where not as I expected but the mission was accomplished. Even better, I'm still learning to do this. It's a beautiful transformation. My life depends on this act of surrender. 

"I desire transformation, 

that the hidden cavities in my life be opened up,

 flooded with more of Him."

Prayer #3: Answered. Still in process.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 

do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

All in all, 2013 was filled with my father answering my prayers to become more like Him, to transform me into something I couldn't be with out Him. 2013 was incredible. 2013 was hard, and exhausting, but when I zoom out and look at the bigger picture, it exceeded my every expectation and then some. He has blessed me and given me the tools to keep on keeping on. 

But once again- I'm greatly anticipating 2014. I have more specific prayers. I am waiting in expectation of both physical and spiritual healing. I am eagerly awaiting an addition of our family, in His timing. As painful as it may be to wait- I know my waiting will not be in vain, or lacking purpose. And, as always I crave further refinement. I know my journey isn't finished yet, and I am anticipating a wild ride. I'm also grateful for his unchanging mercy and patience. Knowing this I can walk in confidence that there is purpose in my every season. I also know my testimony is gonna rock my own world. 

Restoration.

Redemption.

His promises are always true. He truly is a living, breathing, loving, generous God who loves me, us, too much to let us sit still for too long.

Anxiety...

I have always known that a not-so-great friend resides in me on occasion.

This not-so-great friend has a name.

Anxiety.

I was so excited to sit down with Dr. M today and hash out a few reason as to why I am unable to keep a bun in this oven. I was practically bouncing in that office hopeful, joyful, and almost giddy that there may be an answer to some of my questions, just behind that door. After discussing a few details about how and where my body has defaulted to, since July, Dr. M determined that oddly enough, ovulation may not even be occurring in this body of mine. And, for the icing on the cake he mentioned that my estrogen as well as progesterone are not sufficient enough to support ovulation, implantation, or enough to support a viable pregnancy.

Que tears here.

Today is one of those days where, not only do I feel like an utter failure. I am even failing to be able to see Jesus in this. Where are my promises? Where are my hopes? I have a million questions still and not a single answer. I have already carried the burden that this broken body of mine was already not in tip top shape, but it was even more so confirmed that it doesn't function how I had planned or expected...Such is life... Right?

I already know the truths full well in my head, today it's a matter of actually believing it to be true.

"My hope is built on nothing less,

Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness..

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But, wholly in Jesus Name."

It's no surprise to me that as I'm typing these are the only words I can whisper. Praying constantly today that this be enough. Lord let it be enough.

Well, on top of this less than fabulous news, Dr. M kindly informed me that it seems as though my stress levels, and that not-so-great friend Anxiety has been hanging around FAR too long. He could just see it in my posture. Especially when it came time to talk about the past 5 months. I knew this dear friend had been hanging around, I just didn't realize how much of a power he held over me.

So I am feeling like I am back at square one, and trying to figure out how to de-stress, and lessen my anxiety.... How do you tell your brain to stop thinking about what has been lost? How do you move forward.... I truly thought I have been making progress, that my healing was just starting. In my situation, how do you rid yourself of fear. After my Ectopic Dr. S clearly stated "WHEN you happen to have another, we will then remove your right tube". Which by the way, is severely damaged and practically non-functional, and puts me at an even more increased risk of it happening again.

I feel like throwing my fists in the air screaming: NOW WHAT DO I DO, How are YOU going to help me here? Where the *bleep* are you Lord?

All this to say, I feel like falling apart and curling up in a cave. But, I know better than that. I know better than to let the enemy win. So, as a sweet blogger friend (waitingforbabybird.com) put it -  I quit. I surrender, again. I quit so that He can work, and do the fighting for me. I am simply too emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.

"My hope is built on nothing less,

Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness..

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But, wholly in Jesus Name."

 

 

For all you sweet sweet friends of mine, tips, encouragement, scripture would be welcomed. Comment away.

 

xox

-Morgan

Hanging on to Hope

It's no secret that I'm slightly addicted to fertility blogs, and I'm easily sucked into stories of success and hope. On one forum that I enjoy, one lady posted this picture and I suppose that after much thought and consideration, there is absolute truth to this statement. Be sure to notice the use of the word: WILL.

I've repeatedly and subconsciously psyched myself into believing that miracles can happen, but just not for me. Which is a flat out lie.

I've been uberly (if that's even a word) blessed to be spending my Thursday mornings with a wonderful friend and influential woman. We've been tackling a new book together called: The Power of Right Believing by Joseph Prince. While I've been excited and joyful over others miracles, I've not yet considered the lie and WRONG believing I've bought into about miracles just not being for me.

You see, I've always known that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, and his ways are good and he wants to bless me. I've just never truly believed it. After a subtle reminder, for probably the nineteenth billionth time, from Papa Joe, He really does want to give me miracles.

So, I've successfully identified an area of my wrong thinking, which was on my prayer list. I wanted a tangible list of wrong thinking. Now, if I can just figure out how to make it right....How do I believe right? I'm fairly certain if I truly knew, better yet, BELIEVED, how much my creator loved me, my wrong thinking would dissipate. 

Miracles aren't just for everyone but me.... Miracles actually include me too! For this reason I have hope. For the longest time I've been dreaming up this great post about "Hanging on to Hope". However, in all reality it's more like a story of despair and hope, as endless cycles of trust, belief and lack thereof. Its even a far from glamorous road about how I've walked through this Hope. But, as I've kept walking I've realized that hanging on to Hope, isn't about having a great story of how I succeeded and came out strong in the end. Although, I'd like that to be the case..... It's just not.

Hanging on to hope and believing in miracles go hand in hand. Especially when it comes to infertility, or losing a pregnancy, a little tiny life, you so desperately wanted. It's also true in ALL the other messy life situations. I can't express that enough. That all these stories don't JUST apply to infertility. It applies to life, and all it's complications.

It's super messy, and it's not pretty sometimes. It's full of ugly cries, and hopeful moments, and straight up despair. Hope is believing against the lies that are being repeated in my sinful brain, like that annoying drippy faucet that happens to sound the loudest at night when all is quite and still.

Morgan- don't you realize, you're the issue here. This wouldn't be happening if you were whole or healed.

That's a lie.

Although there is truth to some of the damage that's been done in/to me and my reproductive organs, it doesn't mean that I'm useless goods. 

Therefore I have Hope. 

Morgan- don't you realize that God wouldn't have taken your babies if he actually loved you.

That's a lie.

Straight from the pit of hell. That is a lie.

He loves me, he loves my little ones I don't yet know, and the ones I am eager to meet. Therefore I have hope, and can trust that He has miracles in store for us. I have hope. 

HOPE: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

God straight up told us to have hope. He has reminded us over and over in His word that we should have hope. When you look at the definition of hope it's no wonder that a lot of our wrong believing comes from lack of hope. That our sinful expectations fall short consistently. When we have hope in a Savior, our expectations are transformed into something of greater value. We're filled with desires for Godly things to come. 

It's simple. Have hope. Expect our Father, who loves us, to care for us. He knows our desires, he knows our needs and our wants. Expect him to fill us with exactly what we need, when we need it, in his perfect time. Silly me, I thought it was suppose to be more complicated than that. Where did my childlike faith go?

In this journey I've found myself plopped into, it's been full of moments of clarity, then moments of feeling like a complete hypocrite and succumbing to hopelessness. It's amazing the gazillion, upon billions and millions of emotions and thoughts and clarities and lies you feel, see, think and dream, when it comes to...well life. But I know this for certain, there's a purpose. I just haven't zoomed out far enough to see the bigger picture. 

So, somedays I believe. Some days, the hope just isn't there, at all. I lack trust in miracles, and then the next moment I know for certain there are so many good miracles to come. You guys, I cannot even stress how flip floppy this emotionally driven road is, but I'm telling you, the only consistent thing I can claim is Jesus. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg for my testimony. This is just a fraction of the story for my husband and I. This is such a small piece of the puzzle to really make His kingdom shine. And my lack of faith at moments is a thought and belief that needs to be made right. As I'm in my seasons of restoration, He's creating in me a whole new way of believing and thinking right. I can guarantee that when He's ready, this story is gonna rock my world, and hopefully yours too. I know for certain this journey has Jesus written all over it.

I'm believing for my miracle, I'm believing in Hope. I'm not hanging on to it. I'm gonna surrender it, and cling to it like my life depends on it. I'm not going to hang on to something that's already mine, because of the cross. I, most certainly, don't deserve it, but I can claim it, and rest knowing that He's got me. 

Right believing. Right thinking. Easier said than done. I'm so thankful that it's not my strength I rely on. 

There are so many exciting things happening in this home, and God is doing great things. I have this cool, nerve wrecking feeling that God's gonna be stirring up some really neat words. I'm excited to be sharing, and so excited to see what He's gonna do. 

You are loved

Xox

-Morgan 

Photos, I just love them!

Truth: 

I am a daughter if the Most high King. 

That is my name.

These three are quite possibly the most fun chica's around! We had the pleasure of hanging out with these three for a solid 24 hours. I can say with full confidence, it was the best 24 hours!

We made some crafts to prep for the Christmas holiday. Talk about creativity! These girls are full to overflowing with creativity! 

I'm loving this constant analogy if the gorgeous work that Gods doing in our lives at the Brooks home. I love being the garden pruned by the ultimate Gardener! I can only hope to one day be as beautiful as these new blooms.

Okay- seriously Spokanites, if you haven't done this before I want to challenge you to do this! Blessings Under the Bridge, a great ministry and opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Serving the homeless, clothing the needy, and feeding the hungry. I'm pretty sure we all walked away more blessed than those we severed. It a rockin' experience, and I can gaurentee you won't regret it!

These girls.... My besties.... Momma B, bestie L. Love them, blessed by them, and cherish them. It just so happens I even like serving with them!

These boys, make my heart leap! One my hubby, obviously, I'm like head over heels for that stud. The other, He's got the coolest testimony, and a heart of gold. I'm stoked for his journey, and heart for Jesus, and I'm more excited to watch it all unfold! 

What a great weekend, what a great week. More to come soon! Gods doing crazy things in the Brooks Household!

Growth

12/1/13 Cooked my first turkey with my Hubby. Needless to say, we nailed it!

12/3/13  3am wake up call from Jesus. Not my favorite hour of the morning. But I'll take it!

So thankful for these two gorgeous ladies.



Uber Thankful for this little man and the smiles he gives away so freely, but apparently is far from amused over selfies.



11/28 My cute cousin made a bunch of these little guys to decorate the table with. How cute are they?




OK, now that we have that taken care of, I can truly say I am still thankful. After the chaotic Holiday, and running around, I am still thankful.

A dear friend of ours texted me this past week, eager to talk about a book he recently finished. I had read this same book about a year ago and he wanted to pick my brain! I was a bit taken aback that someone would consult with little ol' me, but surely I jumped at the opportunity. Tuesday night, after being up for most the night hashing a few things out with Jesus and a horrendous stomach ache, I mustered up some energy to spend some time with D & L.

The book he had just read was called " Heaven is for Real". If you haven't read it, I would certainly recommend this book. It's a simple, easy read and it will show a whole new childlike perspective on heaven. As a short re-cap, this young boy has some issues at a young age and needs lots of medical attention. While the young boy is being saved by a group of doctors he experiences heaven. After all this and quite some time after he's better, his parents start to pick up on his amazing experience in heaven when he was sick.  Long story short, the part my dear friend D was most interested in was about a lost baby(sibling) that this little boy knew about, simply from meeting her in heaven.

This prompted my friend to ask my hubs and I about our personal journey. I was hesitant at first, but knew that perhaps it would be good for me to actually Talk about it.

Had we named baby Brooks #1.... and #2?

No, we hadn't named them because we, personally, didn't feel that it was needed in order for our healing.  We both firmly believe that our little ones are already named by the Author of Life itself. However, the day I found out I was having surgery, in less than 12 hours to save my life, it was confirmed to us that this little one was always going to be remembered by us as "Our Little Flower".  Baby B #2 is not named but we have a feeling that we already know he would have a specific name. The next part wasn't particularly a questions but more of a conversation about how it would feel to truly know your little one(s) are cared for by God. I simply said, that as a maternal instinct I wanted to know without a doubt my little ones were cared for. That was suppose to be my job. I was suppose to provide a suitable living space for 9 short months, and then care for their every need once entering this physical world. This topic took me a while to grasp but after referring back to an old post describing how life is based of off Gods love, and that there are no qualifying characteristics that must be met in order to be deemed alive, I was beginning to see a new perspective.

The mystery of a relational God who chooses to 

create, redeem, or sustain creation 

regardless if that life can reciprocate.

It is solely His Love alone that sustained my little one(s) for the time being, and His love alone that would sustain my little one(s) either here on earth, or away in Heaven. Because He sent His son for our redemption I know full well He died on that cross for not only me, but the 2 I will someday meet. This gave a whole new purpose and title of a care giver. The Holy Spirit, the father, and the Son. I can stand in confidence that they are deeply cared for, and even cared for much better than this earthly momma could have provided. Because of the finished work of the cross, I know that these little lives are deeply connected and rooted into the body of Christ. As we function as a unit of Oneness, I know that body of Christ up in Heaven is caring for those lost little ones as well.

I have found such deep peace and gratitude for this understanding He has provided me. I was even more grateful for the opportunity to share some of my most intimate thoughts with some friends. It's not very often that I have willingly talked in person about my experience, but had a deep longing to be capable of doing such. A blog is almost like a safe place. No one see's the tears when I type, it's almost like this specific avenue allows me to talk, but to hide the inmost emotions that well up inside me. This conversation, stripped me of my security blanket. I am very grateful that I didn't fall apart, I didn't weep, or pull out the ugly cry (that came later). However, it did prove to me that I have, and am, slowly reaching a new season. A season of Healing, and Recovery.

As I pulled into work today I was listening to an old song, that is now a staple in my life.

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'

Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'

Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor.

I know that you know that my heart is achin'

I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'

I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore.

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,

Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands.

So I'm gonna lay it down

I'm gonna learn to trust You now

What else can I do

Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don't come back up

I know Your love will be enough

I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,

I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'

Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'

But You're pullin' me out

I'm finally breathin' in the open air.

This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'

There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'

That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now.

Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans

Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands.

So I'm gonna lay it down

I'm gonna learn to trust You now

Oh what more can I do,

Cause everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don't come back up

You know Your love will be enough

I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,

I'm gonna lay it down.

God Has been faithful, and His promises are true. I reached a spot this morning where I was so thankful that He had rescued me. The He did indeed Pull me out of the Pit, and set my feet on a firm place to stand. It certainly didn't happen when I thought it would happen, and it most certainly didn't happen on my timeline. But, here I am (at least today) feeling hopeful, and submerged into a whole new meaning of trust and surrender. 

Just like this little new growth below, His promise to me long ago of Restoration and Redemption are being fulfilled. Although not complete, which I am perfectly content with, I am slowly seeing the fruits of walking and choosing His grace, and His love, and choosing to believe in His Mercy. 

This plant was purchased after Baby B #1 as a memento, or keepsake. Little did I know that same month I bought this keepsake we would see another loss, and on that day of our loss every petal was wilted and near dead. That same night, after returning home from the hospital, with deep sorrow I cut back and trimmed each tiny, fragile branch, devastated that my little flower(s), literal and figurative, were gone. Today, as I peeked on my little plant, here stood a beautifully newly free'd bloom. The relation between this plant, and myself and my Keeper humbles me. Flat on my face, in complete Surrender to the One who made me.

Turkey, toppings, and Thanksgiving

1) thankful for my wonderful and amazing husband

2) thankful for a God who loves me, and loves me enough to care for my babies (for me) who left this life far too early.

3) thankful for my family 

4) thankful for my friends (let's be honest, they're really more like my family)

5) thankful and quite blessed to live a life rich in favor from God, a beautiful home, a feast on the table, a warm bed, and far too many accessories to count. 

My husband. Words cannot even begin the debt I owe to him. There are no words to use that are even close to describing my gratitude for this man. Through the feast and the famine, through sorrow and through joy, he has been a solid rock. A wonderful example of a leader and a strong man capable of caring for my heart and tending to my soul. I am, and always will be, thankful for him. God has surely gifted him and blessed him. I am so proud to know him, let alone getting the honor of being his wife! I am so thankful to have your presence in my life. Thank you for being like Jesus, and being a rock! I love you CB.

Although I am compelled to be more outwardly thankful today, it's important as a follower of Jesus that I operate in thankfulness each moment of my life. Thankfulness is what free's me. Thankfulness is what establishes and grows roots in my relationship with The Almighty who made me. 

The most important reason why I am thankful is because I am a sinner set free by the blood of Jesus shed purposefully for me. If I couldn't find any other reason, especially in those difficult seasons, this right here is reason enough to be thankful in any circumstance! To have the opportunity to live a life where I can be certain to spend eternity with my Creator is more than enough for me. His grace, mercy, and kindness have been poured out on me and my husband all because he loves us, not because we deserved it. We simply do not deserve an ounce of it. 

Enjoy the feast, remember why you're thankful, live it out EVER SINGLE DAY. 

You, my friends, are loved dearly.

Xox

Morgan

Monday Memories!

Although I am not typically a Monday fan, this Monday, I kinda like it.  It's a three day work week, then a feast on thursday, and possibly a day off on Friday. This monday feels especially kind. 

I have always dreamt of the days when I would be a wife and eagerly await those "firsts". And, although some of my 'firsts' didn't happen the way I expected, some of the 'firsts' we are experiencing are breath taking. Here are just a few of the 'firsts' that I am extremely thankful for:

-First kiss as husband and wife.  

- First load of laundry with his and hers all smooshed together.

- First disagreement on where to place canned goods in the home.

- First babies, and first losses. 

My favorites so far:

- The purchase of a first christmas tree and few decorations that might soon come to be a tradition.

- First time shutting off all the lights and sitting in complete contentment gazing at a tree that resembles what our little family is/was/or will be like. 

- This cutie (below) is the first to leave tiny little handprints and kissy faces on our window. 

I could go on and on with the firsts we have had, and all the firsts that are to come. However, I am even more grateful that the firsts will never fade. That as we grow and walk in the direction the Lord leads us, it will all be firsts. It will be fun, and exciting, and at times I am certain it will be scary. 

Psalm 62: 8

Trust in Him at all times, O people; 

pour out your heart before him; 

God is a refuge for us.

The more I process and press into my relationship with Jesus the more aware I become of the honor it is to have the opportunity to trust in Him. I am also made more aware of what a blessing it is that He is allowing me the excitement to eagerly look forward to many "firsts". With out Him, I am not sure any of this stuff would be as great as it is. With out Him, I am certain that I would have nothing to look forward to as well. Only He is the one who breathes life into my dreams and desires. Without it, they are nothing.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things THROUGH Christ 

who strengthens me. 

If I am not in Christ, I have no strength. This is been made very clear to me lately as I have been refined by fire. If I have no strength, I cannot do the things that were planned for me well before I was even born. Without Him, my plans, my ambitions, my hopes and dreams are dead. They may be well thought and precisely planned, but I cannot accomplish a thing without the life breathing, dream fulfiller Father that I so desperately need. Because I have Him in me, and have hope that His plans for me are good, I can look forward to all these things. I know that because I am in Him, that my dreams won't return as void. I know that because I am in Him, He will give me the joy and the hope to eagerly anticipate the things to come to be, and the things that come to pass.

I am so thankful to have Him in me, and so thankful I am able to hide myself in Him. I am so thankful that I am His and belong to Him alone.

Thankful

1. Pleased and relieved.

2. Expressing gratitude and relief.

I find it rather amusing that the word Relieved is used in the definition of thankful. But, to me it makes perfect sense. I am so relieved that I do not have to carry the burdens of this world, and that I have a savior who loves me soo much He chose to carry it for me. I am relieved that He is in control and sovereign. Living a life of thankfulness, gratitude and relievement is a beautiful expression of worship. An act of worship that I plan to invest in. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 100

Shout for Joy to the Lord, all the earth. 

Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs. 

Know that the Lord is God.

It is He who made us, and we are His.

We are His people, the sheep of His pasture. 

Enter His gates with thanksgiving and 

His courts with praise; 

give thanks to Him and praise His name. 

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever, 

His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Amen

xox- 

Morgan

Catching Up

Well, this blog has proven to me, once again, to have it's difficulties. Not only have I ditched my scheduled times and days for blogging (certainly not on purpose), my Blogger App has successfully erased all my drafts of projects I was working on. I am very thankful all but one was recovered when on an actual computer.

I feel as though I have much to say, so forgive me for a lengthy post.

The past few weeks have been of great adventure, memories, lessons and cleansing, in a sense. 

About 3 weeks ago I ditched caffeine, waved good bye to wine and said farewell to sugar. The next item I am going to bid farewell is... Salt. I love me some salt. Chips, crackers, treats. I am a firm believer of "everything in moderation", however, this girl knows no moderation when it comes to Sea Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips, or salty pretzels. I knew that once I cut out some of my favorite treats my salty-ness would kick in! Mmm, chips. Don't mind if I do....

So why you ask? Why am I so compelled to rid myself of these simple pleasures? Well, first of all, I am wanting to eat more and more healthy as times goes on. I only have this one body and I may as well find my happy and healthy medium now instead of one or two clogged arteries later. Also, after doing my little test run of caffeine, sugar, and wine, I feel amazing. I never really OVER indulged in those things (well maybe with Chocolate, on occasion), but I figured those were a safe start to my test run. I haven't regret it yet. My body is thanking me in more ways than one!  

My Hubby and I started juicing every morning as a nice replacement and refreshment! It is by far the best thing we have done, diet wise. Not only does it taste great, it has done wonders for me! Even if I sleep terribly, I feel refreshed after drinking this. I absolutely LOVE it. Another reason for all these diet changes is simply, fertility. I know there will be my cheat days, and junk food days. But, with the healthy diet we already ingest, I know that some subtle changes can dramatically effect your reproductive health. Now, I know that some of my personal contributing factors regarding fertility simply cannot change, but I know that if I am kind to my body, it will be kind to my potential babies. God's plan is already written, and those little ones will come or not come when He chooses and I want to do my part in creating a sustainable living space for a peanut to grow, hopefully someday! I have done quite a bit of research and I know that, for me personally, eliminating some of these items from the majority of my diet will benefit me greatly. Don't get me wrong though- I won't cut out the necessary sugars like fruit, or the natural salts in random items. These salty and sweets will be treats on rare and special occasions. We'll see how I cope come turkey day, or when I get the urge to bake my holiday snacks!

This month my Husband and I celebrated a date in time when he happened to ask me a question that changed my life, for the better, forever.

On November 17, 2012 my man asked if I would be his wife. 6.5 short months later we were wed! November 17th was a pivitol moment in my life. I always wanted to be a bride, but I didn't know the first thing about being a bride. I knew that I had a perfect example in my life of what that looked like. Jesus and My Lord.

Here's a glimpse of what my beautiful experience looked like:

" Lord let our eyes be fully open, our hearts yielding to you first.

 Remind us to die daily to ourselves so we may seek and serve you."

There were countless early mornings- and late night talks with God about prepping me to be a wife. I learned a lot of lessons. Most of which are not yet fully refined. My first big preparation was obedience. 

2 John 1:5-5

I am writing to remind you, dear friends, that we should love one another. This is not a new commandment, but one we have had from the beginning. Love means doing what God has commanded us, and He has commanded us to love one another, just as you heard from the beginning. 

I knew that I would need to have a firm foundation in obedience to The Lord before He could instill in me obedience in marriage. It was an amazing transformation.

This was all in a short few months after our engagement. As things progressed my Father walked me through seasons of refinement in repentance, purity, patience, faith, and communication.  I realized that these were all things that may never be perfected but, in light of marriage, they all were areas that needed fine tuning. Things that God felt I needed to visit before saying "I do". I am so thankful for each season I walked through. Now, I am so thankful to be walking through them all over again, but as a wife. 

I am so blessed to have a man like him in my life. I thank God every day for him. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life saying yes to this man. Thank you, Jesus!

"June 12, 2013 

I love being married. I am a wife. I have a husband.

God has richly blessed me. I am honored."

Now- as far as the last few weeks- I'm not sure I have many pictures to share..... But here goes: 

I'm 110% thankful for this sweet girl! She cheers me up on the darkest of days! Missing her like crazy!

A sweet sweet memory of a text from my man a few days post proposal. That surely made my day!

Our dinner date on Saturday took place in a booth or two away from the spot where he popped the question! That was a fun date. I'll never forget those sweet moments.

Church Family bowling night wouldn't be complete without a selfie with my favorite Peanut. LOVE this girl with all the fibers of my being! 

There you go gang! My life in a nut shell. Gods got some more work to do, I know for certain there's a post in making that's all about Him! 

Xox 

-Morgan

Accepting vs. Thankfulness

Whoa! Ok, ok, so it's been a little longer than I would have liked. I felt so "uninspired" or like I have writers block... Maybe I just wasn't sure exactly what The Lord wanted me to share. Or maybe a week of silence was what I needed for Him to truly work in me. 

Sunday proved to be an emotional type of day. Even before stepping out the door I was unable to control the faucets from my eyes. Feeling rather embarrassed and wanting to constantly dismiss and apologize for my tears, I slid in the front seat and my (amazingly patient) hubby drove us to church. Surprisingly I was able to gather up some control and socialize while waiting for worship to start. My favorite part, singing my guts out to the One who deserves it all! Then that oddly familiar feeling of a lump starts to form in my throat. Awesome.

So I fight the tears and then slowly try and embrace the internal struggle. Obviously The Lord wanted to soften my heart for a purpose today. I so desperately wanted to know what it was the He decided I needed today. Apparently I needed many walls to crumble for Him to be heard loud and clear.

"Morgan, you have accepted your circumstances; But, you aren't yet thankful for them. "

Ouch.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.

All right. Que the ugly tears! How do I thank God for these circumstances I'm not so thankful for?

Well, I do believe that my spiritual journey had taught me to continually surrender things that are out of my control. By no means have I perfected this act. However, I firmly believe for me, this choice of surrender brought me to the softness I needed to recieve this word and apply it to my life. I would have continued on believing full well I was doing the right thing and accepting my circumstances. But, acceptance wasn't enough for my personal journey. 

Lord forgive me for not being thankful for the opportunity to be thankful and thank you for giving me the choice to be thankful in ALL circumstances.

It was said well on Sunday by our Pastor: 

"Thankfulness keeps the spiritual heart pumping"

It was no wonder I found myself struggling to see Gods hand in this. It was no wonder I felt cut off for so long. I was so concerned enough about myself I wasn't allowing God to do what he does best. God is concerned about me enough that I need not worry about myself. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to choose thankfulness, joy, and Jesus. If I based everything off my emotions, I would surely crumble. My feelings are so unreliable. That is why I have a Savoir who paid it all to give me the freedom to choose, to choose Him in ALL circumstances. 

I find it fitting that in the month of November The Lord has brought thankfulness to my attention. Perhaps I've become too complacent. Perhaps, in my flesh, I've become too wrapped up in what needs to be done or what I want done, instead of what's already been finished. 

I'm not suggesting Sunday was the all powerful pivotal moment, but it surely brought something to my immediate attention that I need to work out with The Lord. Something that desperately needs ao much attention, and something, when I'm willing and open, He will mold me into thankfulness. He is certainly defining His sufficency more clearly for me and bringing me closer to Him. His graciousness for restoration in my life is an amazing journey and when allowed to be stripped of everything, His promises are even more clear! I just love the way He works. 

So- here is a short list of events that today, I certainly am thankful for!

These two. I can't begin to say how thankful I am for this little peanut, the momma, and the other little peanut growing in her! SO thankful.

Incredibly thankful for the opportunity to go to Disney on Ice with these girls! Incredibly thankful for each one of these girls, they melt my heart, like a lot.

Very thankful for the laughs and smiles this boy provides. And, that hair!!! Oh my gosh, how stinkin' cute!

And this little one.... She holds an extra special place in my heart. Words aren't enough to describe how thankful I am for her. 

I am one lucky auntie to have so many wonderful nieces and nephews and friends and family. Super thankful.

I hope to hear what YOU are thankful for!