Celebrating Life 6/2/14

My last Celebrating Life post was so much more full of hope! This one, not so much. I find myself wrestling with much. 

I am wrestling with the stark difference between the last due date and this one. I had hope because I felt that it was all redeemed and made whole. I had hope because there was new life! This due date, I am slightly baffled and extremely sad about the circumstances that have made their way into our home. I'm giving it my all to celebrate what was, but it's not nearly as joyful.

Tomorrow I celebrate Baby B#2, and reflect on what he/she would have been, what he/she would have looked liked. I choose to thank the Lord that He is caring for him/her. 

I almost feel guilty that I don't have much more to say. You see, the things I have been wrestling with act as a barrier, or as my pastor put it today, a pair of dead batteries. I'm running on empty. I've hit a road block and I keep barging into it thinking just maybe I'll break through. 

Today during worship we sang a song that goes a little like this:

Freedom reigns in this place,

showers of mercy and grace,

they are falling on every face,

there is freedom. 

During this song it was said that in Christ we are free from our pain, free from our sorrow and worries of this world. I have never really struggled with believing that statement before. But the heaviness of losing 3 babes in just under a year makes me wonder how do I operate in that freedom? How do I successfully battle the ideas that I am being punished, or perhaps unfavored by the Almighty? How do I just toss out my pain and walk in that freedom, what does it even look like? I've even gone as far as to feeling hated by the one who made me.... Where do I find this freedom, because I've certainly cried out more times that I can count to take this burden or at the very least take the pain that seems to sink right into the bottom of my lungs. 

Silence.

At first I felt like maybe the silence was because He was working on something, but then it stayed quiet. So, then I decided I should pray more and listen harder, but then it stayed quiet. So now I am left baffled and stranded in my own head, and it's silent. Like everything has been turned off. 

Knock, knock... Lord, are you there?

I find myself marching along with mostly dead batteries determined to find the Life source to get plugged into. It's a straight up battle, and one I am not afraid to fight, as I've fought this battle before. This time, I am just a little more weak, I'm a little more tired, and this time the fight in me longs for freedom more than I have ever needed it before. I can only think of one song that could be my anthem... 

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice, I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice, I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

All of my life, in every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

When I don't feel like it, I sing. When I don't know what else to do, I keep marching forward. I rejoice even when it takes every ounce of energy I have. He is still God, and I trust that He is still good, even when I don't see it, even when I don't feel it.