Refinement by Fire

As many of our friends and family know C and I have been planning to purchase a home. This was in the plans all along. From day one of our marriage we have been working towards getting out of an apartment and getting into a home! We've been so close to it for several months! Earlier this year we were presented with an amazing opportunity that fit our budget, our needs, and our circumstances.

A beautiful modest home that has a backyard to die for! A fence to keep the kids in the back and the potential dog from running away. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and dreams of our expanding family. As most of you have read/heard our dreams changed. We lost our third baby. Although we still desired that home our dreams started changing and taking new form.

The night of my procedure I was resting at home scrolling through Facebook I saw a post on the woman's (I have been very close to this family for many years) timeline that we were buying from. It read something similar to, " I am so sorry to hear about your home, if there is anything you need let us know". I quickly followed over to her page and learned that some type fire had occurred. I immediately text her and asked if everyone was ok and what was going on. About a half hour later she called me.

Their home had had a house fire and lost just about everything. Her and I wept on the phone together. I couldn't even believe it. My heart felt like it was swimming in my stomach. Thankful for the anesthesia and pain medicine I decided to think about it later. My heart was shattered for them. Losing everything just seems unbearable. Thankfully their children were unharmed!

Yes, I have permission to share the photos.

These pictures are from the room where the fire started. This room has major significance to me. While our dreams of this being our home were forming, I of course started day dreaming and planning for a baby. I couldn't wait to know the gender and decorate. Matter of fact, C and I had even almost agreed on a color to paint! This was the room where I imagined I would sneak in and take a peek at our little one sleeping in his/her crib. I had dreams that a changing table would be here and the crib would be there. Seeing as this is where the actual fire started my heart crumbled. My dreams had literally burned.

Lord, not only has our baby(babies) been taken away, and our dreams and plans have majorly shifted, numerous times this year. But, this? This felt like insult to injury. As I started processing all that has happened in a short 24hrs I was immediately embarrassed and ashamed of my selfish feelings. This wasn't even our house yet! This didn't house any of our personal belongings, or hang artwork from the kids off the refrigerator. I didn't have recipes stashed into cupboards and my favorite cookie sheet in the bottom of the oven storage bin. I don't have any children that lost not only their friends, Mabel and Dragie, but all their toys and clothes and homework.

I was so ashamed. As I processed I realized that its perfectly acceptable for me to be mourning with that family and mourning for my family in this entire situation. Our two families were so incredibly tethered together that day that it would be impossible to separate our stories. Although totally different, both of our circumstances completely intertwine. 

So as we all move forward H (the wife of the couple we are buying from) and I can't help but notice the Restoration opportunity God has here. Refinement by fire in the works here! Not only will He be unfolding restoration in our spiritual and emotional lives, but He has the opportunity to show off in such a tangible way the restoration that can come when the enemy tries to steal everything! As this entire journey unfolds not only will you get to see what happens in me emotionally and spiritually, but I am also going to document the remodel process of this too, as much as I can. For now, C and I don't actually own the home so I will only be sharing what is ok with both parties involved. The plan is to keep moving forward and none of us know exactly what that looks like. We are all pressing into the Lord and trusting that something good HAS to come from this. 

For me, this process has been incredibly messy, incredibly painful, and even more confusing that I can even begin to explain. It's been hard on my emotions, my faith, my body (ugh, it's been so hard), and it's been hard on our marriage. I keep clinging and holding on for dear life knowing that something will come of this, and believing that there is a purpose. I could write a whole new post just about all that! That's for next time :)

Stay tuned for updates, it will be a long process but I am excited to watch what happens and I hope you are too!

On another note check out the new addition to my tattoo collection.... Which I would like to say is my last but I can't/won't make any promises:

I love this verse, it is my most favorite. I love that it is now in my flesh to remind me that my flesh and my sin nature and selfish ambitions must become less and decrease as I strive to become more like Jesus. And also a reminder that Jesus must become more and more in me and His kingdom can increase and invade! I love it. I am very happy with it.