How much is too much?

2 weeks post op.

I feel like it's been years since I found out that our baby no longer had a heart beat. I also remember the silence hanging in the air like it was just moments ago. It all seems like just too much.

I'm almost feeling quite comfortable in the dark pit I find myself in. I'm not quite lonely, I'm not discontent. The heaviness has really become consistent enough that it's nice to know I can rely on something.

I've watched these weeks fly by and crawl at snail like speed and I am certainly so amazed, once again, that when my world stops to a screeching halt, every one's life keeps moving on. Friends are announcing pregnancies, completing their 9 long months of pregnancy, moving on. I am finding that I am having a hard time keeping up. Like I am running after the passed moments trying to catch up. Just the thought of keeping up, and moving on myself, seems like it's all just too much.

My prayers lately have often sounded similar to this...." Lord, enough is enough..", "How much is too much?"

I had an Ah-Ha moment yesterday as I sat in a waiting room full of pregnant bellies and smiling faces I was dreading and anxious for the next hour that would pass. Today felt like "Freedom Day", today was a day for answers... or so I thought.

As I checked I gave the receptionist the "I'm back, again..." smile, and took a seat. Thankfully it wasn't long until I was called back and pushed into a tiny little room. The same room where silence crushed every dream and vein in my body. I sat with my giant list of questions on my lap and swung my feet back on forth while I sat on a table. Waiting.

It was a great appointment. My doctor was filled with compassion, remembered to bring tissues, and was welcoming my questions with open ears and no time constraints. I had her full attention for 2 hours. Not only was she thorough but she was sensitive to the fact that my entire life just changed. So here's the minor run down, and don't worry if you don't understand it, because quite frankly, I don't either!

We did not receive any news on genetics yet for our baby. This should come back at any time. It's just a waiting game for now. We (myself, my husband, and my doctor) have decided that we are going to run some tests. They call this a RPL (Repeat Pregnancy Loss, also known as a habitual aborter, nice right?) panel. We are also adding in a few tests of our own as well as genetic mapping, or Karyotype. The Karyotype will be done on both me and C (my husband).

Here are some (not all because I can't remember them all, and one name includes like 5 or 6 different tests?) of the names of the tests we are doing...

All Autoimmunity disorders
Lupus
Thyroid
Prothrombin
Antithrombim
Protein C
Protein S
MTHFR
Homocyseine
Vit D
Factor V
Prolactin
All Antibody tests
Blood clotting disorders
Some type of active diabetes tests

I know some fall into the same categories but there were so many that we talked about that I was shocked. I just know as I read over that list I am forgetting so many. When I walked out, I felt like I was on information overload. Like I said, My husband and I are both doing Karyotyping. This is basically going to show exactly what my genetic make up looks like and if I have any mutations on any set of chromosomes that could cause issues or be passed along to a growing baby and cause issues. They will then look at my husbands and determine the same. What I think is really cool is they will also compare our two and also determine if when our genetic make up mixes together (sperm meets egg) it would even ever create a viable pregnancy! How cool is that? The great news is we got lab results on my uterine tissue and so far that indicated that everything was normal. This immediately ruled out any acidity issue and determined that there was no need for an endometrial function test. My doctor does suspect I just might have a blood clotting disorder. Because I had some major complications following the D&C, that should have never happened, and she mentioned that it could indicate an underlying issue. Obviously this will be proven or dis-proven with the tests. Because of her suspicion she does have a few recommendations. That being: a Baby Aspirin Protocol upon the next positive pregnancy test as well as switching from oral(sublignual) progesterone to a vaginal suppository form.

The crazy thing is that it is said that 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and only a small 5% of woman experience RPL. I am that 5% and it kills me. To be placed in the RPL category you must have lost 2 consecutive pregnancies. I have now lost 3. She was very realistic and said that unfortunately my odds of having a successful pregnancy will only keep going down, but for now we still have just above a 50% chance. Above 50% is still pretty good.... I'll take it. If we end up with any more losses that percentage will just keep dropping. I really appreciated her honesty and reality of our situation. And I am fully aware that in my particular beliefs I know that God is big enough to change that. From her medical stand point it was great to just have someone level with me and not candy coat and give me wishy-washy answers or try and make me feel better right now. I think she realized that's not what I need nor what I want. I am very aware of the hope I have in a God who is bigger, and fully aware of His healing nature.

There ya go! That is a slightly scattered version of what went down in a 2 hour appointment. Back at square one. Ouch!

Obviously she educated me some, and tried to explain what's what and how it's all going to play out. We talked about my emotional health and physical recovery and lifted my physical restrictions. You could say that I am about 75% physically healed. I am still waiting for my HCG hormones to reach 0 and I find my physical pain is steadily decreasing. So we finished our conversation and said she's hoping for a better outcome next time and some answers with our testing.... Me too, Doc. Me too.

Off I went to the lab. This is where my Ah-ha moment came.. I climbed into the chair making small talk with the phlebotomist. I hate getting my blood taken. I glanced over at the tray, she asked for my name and DOB... blah blah blah... I glanced again and asked her if those vials were all for me? Yes, she said. You guys, I am almost certain she drained ALL of my blood.

After the 8th or 9th vial, extra long and extra large vial mind you, I asked..." How much is too much?" I had reached my maximum for pain and heartache, and now you are taking all my blood! As my palms began to sweat and my face drained of color, and I played with my hair whooshing a breeze around my neck, she giggled and reminded me that my body is fully capable of restoring what was lost.

My Body IS CAPABLE of Restoring what was lost.

So every time I shake my fist at the sky and spout off in confusion at a silent God and scream,

"How much is too much?"

How much more am I to endure....? How many more nights will I cry, how many more mornings will I wake and wish I didn't...? How many more times will I desire to flee into my old ways and drown myself in wine and narcotics? How many more questions will it take to assure you I have had enough.... Enough is enough... This is certainly TOO MUCH...I desperately wanted to rip that vial out of her hands and demand she not take any more from me. I needed that. I feel half dead already, stop taking from me!!

In my panic, and moment of fear that I would fall over any second, I remembered my previous seasons. I remembered His promises. I remembered that He is a God of healing. He is capable of restoring. No matter how much I have lost. No matter what I say, what I do, He is capable of restoring all that was lost. Just like how he designed my body to know how to restore what was taken.

And just like that I felt a brief moment of hope. Just like it takes time for my body to reproduce the blood that was taken, it's going to take time until I can see the physical and emotional and spiritual benefits of God placing what was lost. He's reproducing in me the things that were lost, restoring what I can't see. It's another season of Restoration. And I am oh so tired. I can't help but plead that this journey is almost over. Beg for new circumstances. Bargain and make promises I can't keep.

I was reminded while driving to work yesterday before my appointment, in quiet whispers: Although its dark and its heavy and your chest constantly feels like it's been crushed over and over, I (God) have been silent because I am doing something.

While I wait, I'll take each step, I remind myself to keep breathing. I will remind myself that He is silent because He is doing something. To me, something means anything. I am content with that. I am freed from having to work, because He is doing the work for me. I'll sing to keep me alive. I'll focus on songs that resonate in me, and encourage me that this too shall pass. As I wait in darkness and wait in silence I'll sing...

Out of This Darkness
Into your Promise
You will Deliver me.
Eternal Savior
You stand forever
You are My Victory.

I'm surviving something I felt I couldn't survive.

The Faith Crisis

As I dragged myself out of bed yesterday I felt heavy. Like most days recently, the moment my body is awake it doesn't take long for the tears to well up and spill onto my pillow. This is my new normal. But yesterday, my limbs wouldn't function, my stomach was twisted in knots and my heart felt like it hadn't beat in days. I turned on the radio thinking maybe I just needed a pick-me-up. Song after song hit my chest prompting my heart, trying to get it to feel... to feel just anything. I don't know what set me off but all of a sudden I had no control over my thoughts, over my actions. I was so overcome with fear, rage, anxiety, grief, and profound sadness that I felt the urge to verbally vomit on any target I could reach.... Unfortunately my sweet, sweet Husband received the brunt of my temporary madness. I spewed words and threats that are far from truth and exceedingly painful. This was an ugly day.

After crumbling to the floor I was frozen, paralyzed by my circumstances and realizations that this life is not at all what I expected. I didn't recognize this life I am living, I no longer recognize the face I see in the mirror. I grabbed my phone and sobbed into like it could save me. The person that I just hurt the most was the only one I needed, the only one I wanted. The phone rang about 3 times and each time I desperately pleaded that he would answer. With just the slightest sound of his "hello" I begged for him to forgive me, I wept sorry over and over again. I told him that I couldn't do this... I was crazy, and I wasn't going to get through this...I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get up... I was stuck.

Because my Husband is most definitely the best husband that ever lived, he rushed home from work only to find me in a pile of tears still on the bathroom floor. I've never needed him more. I experienced a whole new side of marriage that day. I experienced what unconditional love is.

I won't do a play by play of the next hours that passed. All I can say this was a defining moment in this most recent journey. It was a moment when I doubted my faith the most and had a choice to give up, or keep fighting. It was the moment when I was tempted the most to throw away my belief in all that I know to be true. This was my Faith Crisis. The fork in the road.

Do I choose to believe and stand firm on what I know to be truth?

Do I walk away from all I have known over the last several years and rebuild a whole new system of the way I live my life?

Do I denounce my faith, blame it all on God?

Or, do I trust that He is still good and still faithful even if I can't see it?

What was the purpose, what IS the purpose of my life?

Is there a purpose?

You see, in a matter of hours all the questions that one asks when in the midst of a traumatic storm came bubbling over, spinning out of control in my head and spewing out of my mouth... I truly did not know the difference between the truth and the lies. It is ONLY because of the work of the Lord in my husband that I was able to get up off the floor, accept my tears, and allow him to pray on behalf of me, to pray over me the things that I could not speak, could not think. This is Marriage. This is Love.

In my last post I mentioned how I felt like God has promised me that this would change and shape my ministry. I still don't have any idea what that looks like or how it's going to unfold, but I do know this: People are watching and how I choose to respond is my ministry right now. Right now this is what I can tell you:

1. It's going to be messy
2. It's going to be imperfect
3. It's going to involve tears
4. It's going to take TIME

Am I angry? Yes.

Am I very confused? Yes.

I even feel broken beyond repair. I feel disappointed, a matter of fact I feel a lot of negative and very little, if any, positive. What I do know is, deep down under all the questions and fears and flesh I desire healing. I desire grace and mercy. I desire a God who loves and cares for me. Right now, that desire is compared to that of a mustard seed (perhaps even smaller) and from what I know, that is really all I need to get through.

As stuck as I felt on that floor yesterday, I never realized that me calling my husband to come and carry me through this moment was actually an act of movement. I wasn't stuck, I just needed help, a hand to hold and some company to walk - rather crawl - with me to get to the other side of this. Although I felt my will to carry on was gone, in fact it was alive and quite active. I felt defeated, but rather I was determined to not stay where I was. That alone gives me hope. That alone gives me a little more stamina for the days to come. So, when I woke up this morning and the tears fell to their usual spot, I knew that I could survive this, even if my head was telling me I couldn't. I survived yesterday, I can survive today. If breathing is all I accomplish, then I will say that is a Victory.

My Faith Crisis isn't over yet. I still have a choice to make every second of every day. If I'm being honest sometimes it's a choice I'd rather not make. If I'm being honest it's not an easy choice. It's a constant battle between my flesh and the truth.

So, if I'm not responding to your text, ignoring requests to bring dinner, requests about coming over for a visit, or seemingly unwelcoming your well wishes of love and support, it's not because I don't want them or need them. Because I do, and I read each note often everyday!! I am processing, overwhelmed and at a loss for words. This blog is definitely serving as my communication to friends and family. It's much easier to type something up once.

So here's an update:

My Post Op Appt is May 8th. We will hopefully get the genetics back on baby Brooks #3, including the sex. We will then start some testing on myself and also my husband. After 3 consecutive losses there may be a reason why this little body of mine can't make it to full term. But, there is also a high possibility that there isn't a reason. Either way, I am preparing myself for either outcome.

The physical recovery has been quite easy compared to previous procedures. The bleeding is most certainly psychologically traumatic. The emotional recovery and realization that we now have 3 precious children in the Kingdom of heaven is surreal and quite disturbing at times. However, I am thankful that heaven is all they will ever know.

Connor and I are extremely thankful for all the texts, FB messages, emails, phone calls, dinners, snacks, candy, cookies, food, cards and much much more.

I am right now looking into purchasing a necklace and also finding three charms to go along with it, each stone representing the birth month. If any ladies have any websites or have purchased such items somewhere and are happy with the results let me know!

Healing tips:

Free therapy looks like this: A sunny day, iced coffee with whip cream, and a trip to every animal shelter and pet store in your home town in one day. Loving on and being loved by tiny creatures who have no bias can dry up any tear.

When your grieving showering everyday can be optional and feels like a chore, but I promise a warm shower always feels good.

Eye Liner makes a HUGE difference in your confidence when facing the work environment.

Do Not forget to drink water.... Seems pretty natural to remember this, but for me.... I am not sure I knew what water was for too long...




XOX
Morgan